Be careful what you say

In any healthy relationship, there are going to be disagreements and arguments. The key to make sure that it stays a healthy relationship is by having both sides play by a set of unwritten rules…mostly, it comes down to this:

– Be open and honest;

– Do not personally attack the other person or their ideas;

– Allow the other person to talk and feel heard;

– Don’t roll your eyes or give off negative body language;

– Don’t try to intimidate the other person (with your words or physically);

– Don’t politic (getting other people involved in your mess).

That’s it. It seems pretty simple, but it is so hard for people to follow. When things get heated, it’s hard not to be emotional. But you have to watch what you say and how you act. A lot can be said in the heat of the moment. But here’s the thing…once said, it can’t be unsaid.

If you know that you generally overreact or “blow up” in stressful situations, try to wait before you respond. Dr. Viktor Frankl used the acronym SPR to identify how we can handle these situations better. When a stimulus (S) occurs, make sure that you pause (P) before you respond (R). The longer the pause, usually, the healthier the response. As you distance yourself from the stimulus with more time, it helps to take the emotion out of the picture and allows you to see the situation more objectively.

Relationships can be irrevocably damaged when you cross the line and break the unwritten rules. Instead of getting combative or defensive when arguing, try to cool off and collect your thoughts before responding. It may feel like you’re losing the battle by not going tit-for-tat, volleying insults back and forth, but you’re winning the war. If you care about the relationship that you have with that other person, you must follow the unwritten rules of arguing. Don’t cross the line, because once you do, it’s hard to go back.