parenting | The Caleb Barney Collection

Welcoming disagreements

“One of the most difficult lessons many leaders learn (or fail to learn) is the necessity to welcome and tolerate disagreement.”

There are two ends of the agreement spectrum that we should try to avoid…

The first is to be 💯% agreeable on everything, aka a “yes man.” This is conflict avoidance at its worst.

The other end of the spectrum is to always shut others’ ideas down right away because they don’t align with your thoughts. Nobody can tell you anything if it doesn’t support your opinion. This is someone who craves confrontation and seeks it out.

I’m working on improving in this area (on both ends of the spectrum) – trying to learn the best ways to tactfully disagree. You should have original thoughts and feel comfortable voicing your opinion. But there are things that matter more and things that matter less which should/shouldn’t be argued about or debated. You don’t have to “win” every argument, and by always “needing” to be right, you will eventually discourage others from voicing their opinions around you.

Goals, a vivid vision, and living proactively

Focus on living proactively instead of reactively.

What are you doing today to set your future self up for success? Are you going into each day by looking at what you need to get done for the day? Prioritize what has to get done for the day in order to hit your weekly, monthly, quarterly, or yearly goals.

If you’re not planning each day intentionally, you end up reacting to the day’s events. You’re very busy, but you’re not very productive. You feel like a chicken running around with its head chopped off or like you’re running around, putting out fires all day. You end the day exhausted, but not feeling like you moved the needle towards your long-term goals.

Set time aside to figure out what you want your life to look like next year, in three years from now, and in ten years from now. Do you have a vision of how great your life will be?

You need to have direction in your life. How can you get somewhere if you don’t know where you’re going? Have a roadmap with your destination showing and the route planned out (hitting milestones along the way).

What does it mean to be successful?

Who is the first person you think of when you hear the word “successful?” I guess it should be based on what you definition of success is. Does it mean they are a prominent businessman/woman? That they make a lot of money? That they’re famous? Or they seem to have it all?

But take a deeper look – not at the person who you think is successful. We’re not here to pick apart their lives/imperfections. Instead, take a deeper look as to what success means to you and why you define it that way. Oftentimes we are only looking at one of life’s domains (usually our vocation or financial success) and are blind to the other domains (do we have deep/meaningful relationships, how is our family life, are we physically healthy, intellectually healthy, or spiritually healthy?)…

Don’t think that because someone is famous that they are successful. Success, at least to me, should be defined by the whole package. Who cares if you’re making $200,000+ per year if you’re in poor health, if you have a broken marriage, if you never get to see/truly know your kids, if you’ve lost/damaged friendships, or if you’re morally corrupt.

Success is winning in every area of life. Success is being happy with what you have, but still striving to do better (for yourself and others). Success is focusing on the process, not the result – on enjoying the journey, and not only worrying about getting to the destination. Everyone has their own definition of success. We all value certain aspects of life differently (and our priorities will change), so don’t judge others for trying to achieve success in their own way. Just focus on creating your best, most successful life and let them do the same.

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

When you’re negotiating, try to work cooperatively with the other side which will often lead to the best “win-win” outcomes. The opposite can be said when trying to negotiate competitively with the other side, where there is usually a winner and a loser. Sure, you may win that time, but who will want to keep working with you if they keep walking away with a sour taste in their mouth?

Having the “power” or perceived ability to get things done if things don’t work out exactly as planned will also help with the negotiation. What this means will change in different situations…sometimes it will mean that you can get what you want done by force or persuasion, other times it will mean that you will work to get the best possible outcome for both parties. Either way, you should be able to follow through with any promises you make and people should feel confident that you’ll do what you say.

Lastly, don’t constantly “blab” or else people will tune you out (almost like Charlie Brown’s teacher). Your words carry less weight the more you talk and your reputation will get dinged every time you don’t follow through with your words.

Speak up for things you care about, but let the rest go

Don’t get pulled into arguments or debates over things that don’t matter to you. Be prepared to lose some battles by biting your tongue when needed or by compromising on things you don’t feel strongly about so that you can “win” the things you do care about. If you nitpick every little thing, always trying to win every argument, your words will carry less weight when you actually need to “win” an argument about something you care deeply about.

If it doesn’t matter to you, or if you don’t have a strong opinion about something, don’t get worked up and bent out of shape when discussing it. Ask yourself how whatever it is you’re talking about actually affects you and your loved ones. If it doesn’t have any major repercussions, let the other person do what they want without you trying to force your advice on them.