relationships | The Caleb Barney Collection

Remember what you’re working for

For the high achievers out there, remember what you’re working for. Some people refer to this as finding your “why.” Why are you working so hard? What is it that you really want?

Sure, you may like what you do, you may find enjoyment getting recognition or accolades from your employer, or you want to be seen as successful in the eyes of your peers/family members, but is that in alignment with what you actually want?

I’ve been working hard for a long time. I worked in high school, worked my way through college, and upon graduating I worked multiple jobs and many hours of overtime to pay off any student loans I had, pay off cars, a mortgage, etc. But after having kids, I had to re-prioritize my life goals. Did I still want to earn financial freedom? Absolutely. But I need to do it in a more sustainable way so I can see my family. Working 60-70 hour work weeks will help me earn income, but at what expense?

The questions I had to ask myself were:

1) What am I working so hard for? What is my new why? The answer to this, I think, is to create the best life possible for my family. That doesn’t necessarily mean to have or to make the most money though. Instead, I think it’s to raise respectful children with good work ethics who are happy with life…and me NOT being around just so I can earn more money or do something I’m “passionate” about is actually a very selfish thing to do.

2) Instead of racing the the financial freedom finish line, am I willing to maybe work a few more years to have a better quality of life (more free time to spend with my family, friends, and hobbies)? The answer to this is yes. What’s the point in rushing to retirement when you might lose your family (say, if you get divorced as a result of never spending time with your spouse), you lose your health (because you’re “too busy” to work out), lose your friends (because you never hang out with them anymore), and have no hobbies (are you just going to sit at home and watch tv all day)?? That life would be so unfulfilling to me.

So, as I conclude, I just want to say that everyone is different. We feel different things, have different goals, and are in different stages of life. Our life experiences are different. Our expectations are different. There is no right or wrong when it comes to why you’re working as hard as you are. But the key thing is to think about what you’re working for and adjust your time accordingly.

Telling the truth

Regarding telling hard truths…perhaps with a bit more tact and better awareness, these important messages could be heard earlier or more receptively than if you just always hammer home “the truth.”

Telling the truth is important. And sometimes you must tell the truth even if it’s news that others don’t want to hear or if it will make you unpopular. But use your judgment wisely. You don’t need to go around constantly correcting others or “enlightening” others with your so-called truths.

Pick your battles. If it’s not a big deal, let it go. You don’t always have to be right. But if it is something important to you or that you feel will help someone, tell the truth.

Trust

Always be conscious of your decisions and the long-term effects (or side effects) they may have. You can spend years doing the right things, but if you cut corners or are involved in questionable activities, it can take seconds to ruin your reputation. Once you break that trust, it will always be in the back of that person’s head on if they can trust you again or not. It could literally take a lifetime to repair that trust, but who knows if it will ever happen.

The best way to maintain and strengthen relationships is by thinking about the long-term. Don’t acquiesce to immediate gratification. You might feel pleasure once (in the short-term), but then live with regret for the rest of your life. Do yourself a favor and live with integrity. It will help others to like and trust you, but more importantly, it will allow you to like and trust yourself.

The Four Agreements

I was introduced to “The Four Agreements” by listening to the Joe Rogan Experience, where Joe has brought up the book several times on podcasts. The book was published in 1997, but really gained popularity after Oprah endorsed it on her show back in 2001.

The main idea of the book is that we operate in a way that everything we do is based on these four agreements we have with ourselves, with others, and with God. Depending on how we view these agreements, they can be a source of great joy or of great suffering. Ultimately, it is up to us to choose. We may stray from the path occasionally, but it’s always important to get back on the right track because that’s the kind of person we are. Below is a brief summary of the four agreements we need to prioritize in order to live the best life we can.

1. Be impeccable with your word.

If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Otherwise you’re not only eroding others’ trust in you, but you’re eroding your trust in yourself. Eventually, your words will mean nothing if you fail to keep your promises.

2. Never take anything personally.

This works in two ways.

The first way is that if someone says something hurtful to you, it’s not necessarily a reflection of you, but rather it’s a reflection of the one criticizing you. They may be operating out of a place of fear, jealously, anger, inadequacy, etc. Don’t take their potentially hurtful words to heart, because they don’t mean anything. The other person is trying to wound you or to get under your skin. If you allow them to do this, you’re giving them power over you by “making” you feel a certain way.

But the other way this statement works is that the criticism of you might be true. Open your mind to see if there is a grain of truth in what the other person is saying and work to improve your weaknesses. Don’t shut down when receiving feedback, but use it to strengthen yourself.

In today’s society, it’s easy to get caught up in virtue-signaling, in being easily offended, or in trying to be more of a victim than the next person. Choose not to be offended. Choose not to let someone dictate your mood or to influence your self-worth in a negative way.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

Have you ever assumed someone said something, but it was because they didn’t like you or had some other meaning behind their words? Have you assumed their intent? This happens to me with text messages all the time. It’s always best to communicate in person, where you can hear the inflection and tone of their voice, see their facial features, read their body language, and understand the circumstances better. But through text, so much of that is lost. When you are unclear about someone’s words or actions, ask them about it. Dig deeper. But give them space or time, if needed. They may have said something because they were hangry, because the kids were acting up and they were distracted or trying to answer you quickly, maybe they were distracted. We don’t know what is happening around them or within them at any given moment, especially if we’re not physically with them. Don’t make assumptions (and, going back to the second agreement, don’t take it personally).

4. Always do your best.

You won’t always be the winner. You’re not always going to be the best at what you’re trying to do. But you can always try your best with the skills you currently have. If you always do your best, you can move forward without having regrets. But if you do less than you know you’re capable of, you’ll be more likely to wonder “what if” and to think of the possibilities of what could have been.

Keys to conversation

Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.

People will always want to talk about themselves, to boast about what they’ve done, to insert their opinion into the conversation. This is considered normal. But we should strive to be different. Different stands out. Different makes people notice, even if they’re not sure why.

Instead of talking about your accomplishments, lift others up. Instead of gossiping, speak only truths about situations and only say something about a person if you’ve already said it to them personally. Instead of complaining, be positive. See the glass half full – being realistic, but optimistic.

When others are talking, listen. Look them in the eyes. Ask interesting questions (showing your interest), add verbal and nonverbal cues to urge them to continue talking. Be excited and add to the conversation when it’s appropriate. Don’t interrupt them, or if you do, do it sparingly and only to show your excitement matches theirs.

Don’t dominate conversations. The other person/people should walk away not feeling like they were spoken down to or talked at, but like they had a genuine conversation and contributed to it.