Category: relationships

On care

People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” – Theodore Roosevelt

You can be very knowledgeable and “have the answers” that others are looking for, but until they know how much you care – how passionate you are about that topic, how interested you are in their well-being, how much you understand what it means to them – that’s when you win them over.

Just like in most things in life, it’s not about you. People’s first thoughts tend to default to thoughts about themselves. You can say it’s selfish, but it’s true. That’s why people tell you to be interested in others, to listen twice as much as you talk, to ask questions about them, to use the other person’s name in conversation…they want to know (or at least think) you care about them. If they believe that, you will earn their trust and then they will be more receptive to your “knowledge.”

Influence vs control

You can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. Or, if you do get them to do it and they didn’t want to do it in the first place (if they didn’t think they needed to do it/didn’t see value in doing it), they won’t benefit from it the way you think they will. If they are not open to it and they’re not mentally ready to make the change, you’ll both end up wasting time and getting frustrated with each other.

We can influence another person’s actions, but we can’t control their actions. Despite the fact that we may truly believe it will help that person, they have to be the ones who want to do the activity, to make the change, and to benefit from the action. If they don’t want it, it won’t work.

Try to appeal to their emotions first. Why should they want to do what you’re asking them to do? What are the benefits to them? What’s most important to them and how will it improve that? Once you’ve got their attention and they have bought in, then you can reason with them logically. Don’t forget this part (logic) either. Emotions come and go. Logic will stick with them and help them understand why it’s important, but logic does not create the “want” of doing the action.

Listen to understand

Do not listen with the intent to reply, but with the intent to understand.

Everyone would benefit from having better listening skills. The main part of listening that I think we sometimes forget is that we should be listening to actually understand the other person’s point of view. How are they feeling? What are they trying to convey? Why do they feel that way?

If you are curious, and you’re not afraid to ask questions, you’ll naturally begin to ask them more questions to gain a better understanding of why they’re talking. This takes patience. Sometimes others don’t know why they’re talking. Other times they want to feel important. Try to understand where they’re coming from, and be ok not having “the answer” or saying something profound every time you speak. Instead, keep asking better questions.

If you ask better questions, you’ll get better answers. And not only that, but the other person will feel like you genuinely care (which you should) and that you actually understand them (which a lot of people won’t). You’ll build new relationships quicker and you’ll strengthen your existing relationships.

Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Don’t go on your phone when they’re talking. Look at them in the eyes and give them your full attention. If you do that, they will feel listened to and you might actually learn or retain what they’ve said. Then, if you bring up something they said in the past (in a future conversation), they’ll feel even more heard, which will again strengthen your relationship with them.

A passage from The E-Myth

I was re-reading my notes the other day when I came across this passage from Michael Gerber’s The E-Myth. Here is what it said:

“What’s also missing is a sense of relationship.

People suffer in isolation from one another.

In a world without purpose, without meaningful values, what have we to share but our emptiness, the needy fragments of our superficial selves?

As a result, most of us scramble about hungrily seeking distraction, in music, in television, in people, in drugs.

And most of all we seek things.

…We’ve fast become a world of things. And most people are being buried in the profusion.

What most people need, then, is a place of community that has purpose, order, and meaning.”

This got me thinking about where we are as a society today. Michael Gerber wrote this a long time ago, but it seems even more true now. We are in forced isolation with the coronavirus, we order food (whether it’s through grocery delivery or ordering meals) and material possessions (via Amazon) and they show up at our doorstep. There are more enticing shows on inexpensive streaming options. We can work from home. Our relationships and our ability to feel connected with our community is slowly weakening.

What I’m nervous to see is how we are affected long-term if we stay down this path. Yes, things are easier and more convenient than ever, but are we willing to trade convenience for things like relationships and community? We are already very self-absorbed. Will this lead us down a path to care even more about ourselves and less for others?

On drama

If drama follows you everywhere you go (like at work, with your friends, etc.), take a look in the mirror. Are you the common denominator? Are you contributing to the drama and stoking the fire?

If you want less drama around you, don’t tolerate it. If others are gossiping, you have the choice to walk away or to let them know you don’t want to be involved in whatever they’re talking about.