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If you can’t tell someone “no,” they aren’t the only ones with boundary problems – you have them too. If you are afraid of telling someone no or telling them what they don’t want to hear, is it because of their past reactions or because of what you’ve experienced life? It’s important to understand why you’re feeling this tension. You need to be able to set clear boundaries with everyone, otherwise you can be taken advantaged of by anyone.

Have you ever done something because someone “made” you feel guilty? First of all, nobody can make you feel anything. Don’t put that on the other person – that’s a you issue. But secondly, have you ever talked with that person before, explaining that you’re sorry they feel that way, but you’re still sticking with your decision? If you flip flop and cave in whenever you feel guilty, they’re more likely to try to manipulate you into doing more things for them by guilting you in the future.

Have you ever seen someone lash out in rage, like a toddler throwing a tantrum, when you told them something that they didn’t like? That’s unhealthy behavior and needs to be addressed. If they can’t respectfully disagree with you, or if they can’t be civil, you need to leave. Don’t stay in an unhealthy, abusive relationship. You have other options. They are better options. Even if it brings more uncertainty for a period of your life, it is best to pack up and leave before you feel even more trapped.

Have you ever felt anger towards someone else for doing something that you didn’t like? Was it actually crossing the line (like infidelity) or was it just not congruent with what you wanted? Are you only thinking of how their action does/doesn’t benefit you? Realize that this is their life, and they need to do what is best for them. Whether you agree with their decision or not is different story. But just like in the last paragraph, you need to be able to respectfully disagree. Put yourself in their shoes and treat them how you would want to be treated. You can dislike the decision, but still like the person.

In the end, we are all human. We all make mistakes. But no matter what mistakes you make when setting boundaries, always treat the other person with compassion. Whether you’re the one setting boundaries or they are, respect that setting boundaries can be difficult, and respect their wishes. Just like someone can’t make you do anything or feel a certain way, don’t try to make others do something that they clearly don’t want to do.

The people closest to the work that is being done should know it the best – knowing the redundancies that can be eliminated and recognizing what can be improved upon. Leaders (at the top of the hierarchy) need to give the employees doing the work the ability to take ownership and make suggestions.

Instead of forcing employees to abide by rules just for rules’ sake, be results-oriented. Let those doing the work present alternative ways of doing something to make whatever they’re doing better. If they can be more effective (getting better results), more efficient (doing it in a more timely manner), and can wrap what they’re doing into a standard operating procedure that is sustainable and repeatable, why would leaders not listen to employees? Just because an idea didn’t come from the leadership team does not mean that it is wrong. Leaders need to empower others (put them in a position to improve the work that they will be doing) by making suggestions on whatever task can be done better.

“Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be.” – Khalil Gibran

Have you ever been stuck doing a particular activity for days, months, or even years, making incremental improvements along the way, but feeling like it just isn’t doing anything for you? We should always give our best efforts and try to make the most of anything that is in front of us, but sometimes, we need to know when to pivot and move on to something else. There is a difference between giving up on something before you truly give it a chance and giving up on something to advance toward another opportunity.

In the first scenario, you’re running away from something. You don’t want to face the difficulties that lie ahead if you continue down your current path. If this is what you’re doing, you will likely find yourself in the same boat with your new task/adventure. Because, here, you’ll always be looking for something “better.” But the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. And if the grass actually is greener, it’s because whoever is maintaining the grass over there is taking care of it. They’re watering the grass, fertilizing it, picking up the dog poop, etc. Your grass is dying because you stopped taking care of it – you stopped trying (or never started in the first place).

In the second scenario, you’re running to something. You’re excited for the possibilities that await by going all in on the new activity. You know that this activity will be just as difficult, maybe even more difficult at first, but you’re willing to put in the effort to “make the grass green.” In this scenario, you’ve already given everything you have to what you’ve been working on, so when you switch activities, there is no doubt in your mind that this is the right choice. This gives your mind a certain peacefulness and clarity, so your thoughts won’t be clouded by “what if’s” while trying to focus on the new activity. Instead, you can bring that same dedication and focus to the new activity.

In today’s world, changing tasks or activities is fun. Our attention spans seem lower than ever. But just remember to choose an activity that excites you! Not all movement is progress. Just because you’re moving doesn’t mean you’re getting closer to your desired destination. But only you get to decide which route you want to go to get there. And sometimes you can find better paths just by trying something new. Whatever path you end up choosing, stay on it for a while. Give it an honest shot at getting you to where you want to go. And in the end, if it looks like it won’t get you there, there will always be another path for you to choose.

When teaching, coaching, or leading individuals, practice patience. When you give them an assignment to complete, be clear and concise on what you are looking for as an end result. Once they turn in the project, review with them thoroughly and let them know what they did well and what still needs improvement. Remember when you are teaching that people learn in different ways, so you will have to teach through different mediums. Some people learn better by reading, while others prefer to listen to it, see it performed, or learn by doing/experiencing. Once they “master” a subject, they should be able to describe how they came to their conclusion. Regardless of how the individual learns best, it is up to you to give them to tools to succeed.

If (when) they ask you questions, don’t just blurt out an answer. Ask them a question back. Make them think of how they would solve their own problem. Even if what they are thinking is incorrect, it still teaches them that they need to try to find a solution before coming to you. If they have not encountered that situation before, give them more leniency and answer more quickly. If you have reviewed the subject matter with them previously, make them work harder to find the answer. If you always give them the answer, you reduce their ability to figure out the answer for themselves (on this topic and future topics). You are teaching them “learned helplessness.” You are teaching them that if they get stuck, they can come to you and you will solve all of their problems. In this case, you will not be able to scale your teaching to reach more individuals, as you will soon reach capacity by spending all of your time helping this one person.

Ultimately, teaching requires patience. If you do not have time to be patient and teach others, find someone else who does, otherwise you will be not be doing justice to whoever it is that you’re trying to help in the first place.

Practice having a giving mindset, where you are always trying to help whoever you encounter to get something that they want. As long as what they want is not detrimental to them or others, and if they are not disrespecting your boundaries, try to help them. Whether this means you are directly helping them or you connecting them with someone who can, then you will have done right by them. But make sure that you help out of compassion, not out of guilt, and not with the expectation that they will reciprocate in the future. If you only give because you expect to get something in return, you will often be disappointed. You’ll be disappointed because in your mind, you’re making a transaction, where you have an unspoken agreement that “if I scratch your back, you’ll scratch mine.” But the problem with this is that the other person often either doesn’t realize that they’ve entered into this “agreement” with you or they know of this quid pro quo agreement and only value your relationship if you can help them get what they want. That kind relationship has minimal value to you in the long run because instead of it being built on trust and love, it will be based on a more cynical, “what can that person do for me?” or, if they do help you for no reason, you’ll wonder what their ulterior motive is.

“You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. ‘For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.’” – 2 Corinthians 9:7