advice | The Caleb Barney Collection

You become your thoughts

“Everything hangs on one’s thinking…A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is.” – Seneca

Seneca, like many other stoic philosophers, had it right when it came to their attitude towards mindset, beliefs, and feelings. Basically, we control how happy or unhappy we are with our thoughts. When something happens, we can convince ourselves that we are lucky or unlucky, that something is happening to us instead of for us, or that it’s a failure versus an opportunity to learn.

We are what we tell ourselves and we become what we consistently think. Think positively and you will become a more positive person. Think negatively and you’ll become more like Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh. For those who are unfamiliar with this character, this is how Wikipedia describes him: “He is generally characterized as a pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, anhedonic, old grey stuffed donkey who is a friend of the title character, Winnie-the-Pooh.”

Now, if you were picking who you wanted to hang out with for a day, would you pick the person who is chronically pessimistic and gloomy? Of course not! And guess who is the only person you hang out with 24 hours a day? (Hint: it’s yourself)…why would you choose to be anything, but happy?

The key to having less conflict in relationships

“In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.” – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

If you want to have less conflict, don’t go looking for it. Choose not to be offended and you won’t be. Stop trying to listen for things you don’t want to hear. If you’re on edge (in marriage and in life), and looking for things to be upset about, you can always find them. Let the little things go. Forgive more. Nobody is perfect – including you. So get off your high horse and accept your significant other as they are.

Adding slack to your life to reduce stress

You need “slack” or a buffer in your system, your schedule, and your life. If your schedule is too tightly packed, when one event runs past it’s allotted time, it will have a domino effect – causing you extra stress and making other people wait on you. When you’re late for one event, then you’ll probably be late for the one after that, and the next one, and the next one…Plan for everything to take a little longer (giving yourself extra time, aka “slack”) and you will reduce stress/anxiety.

This concept can be applied in all areas of life – even thinking of your budget/emergency savings. Instead of stressing about money when an emergency pops up, you’ll be able to dip into your emergency fund to pay for it. Just be sure to replenish it, as another emergency will inevitably occur at some point in life.

Giving out of love versus giving out of expectation

Don’t be a fake giver (giving only because you’re expecting to get something in return). You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you’re keeping score for a game which the other person doesn’t know you’re playing.

If you think to yourself, “I did a, b, and c for this person, so they should give me x, y, or z when I ask in the future,” you’re asking for disappointment. Hopefully that person help you out in whatever way they can because you’re a good friend and they’re a good friend, but expecting reciprocity (especially when you do something for them now, but want them to remember your actions far in the future) is going to lead to frustration from both people.

Be caring. Be nice. Find ways to help. But if you can’t do something, or if it stretches you too thin, don’t feel obligated to do so. It’s ok to say no – and you don’t have to give them a reason why either. If you want to explain to someone why you can’t do something for them, at least they’ll have a better understanding of why you can’t. But they’re not entitled to know (just like you’re not entitled to knowing why they might say no to you in the future).

Give without keeping score. It will save you frustration in the long run because the other person doesn’t know they’re part of an unspoken transaction (which only took place in your mind).

Reading vs doing and the 10,000 hour rule

I love the idea of Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours. Basically, if you want to “master” anything, you have to put in the work and deliberately practice for roughly 10,000 hours.

One way to accelerate that timeline without experiencing all of the setbacks is by reading where others have tried and failed, what they learned, what their best practices are, things to keep in mind, etc. That’s why reading is so important. Even though it’s not the same as doing (and you typically don’t retain as much reading about something versus doing it), you can still add to your skill set by learning as much through books when you are unable to learn by doing.

Whenever you have the means to do something though (whether that is not having time, money, or energy constraints), then do it. Make a plan and intentionally follow through with that plan. There is no substitute for doing. You can have a good understanding of a subject by reading about it, but if you never do it (and preferably teach it too), then you will never truly master it.