Tag: advice

Be judicious with your words

You can always say something that you haven’t said. But you can never undo or unsay something that you have already said.

Be careful with your words. Be thoughtful, kind, and uplifting. It may feel good to say what’s on your mind, but it could be potentially damaging to your long-term relationships. Learn to bite your tongue and tactfully say what you need to say, when you need to say it.

This is not to say you can’t thoughtfully critique anyone (especially those you care for). If you don’t speak up, how can they make a change? But don’t say something in the heat of the moment, or else you may regret how it comes out – and what is said cannot be unsaid.

Praise the effort

We tend to simplify things in our heads, wanting to take whatever is the easiest route. We do this in many things, including looking at results. But what should be focused on instead is the effort the individual is giving to get the results.

There are two problems when only focusing on the end result…

First, if we only focus on the end result, maybe we aren’t challenging ourselves enough. For example, I should almost always win when facing an elementary student in basketball – and I’m not even good at basketball. But when you lower your standards just so you can win, it defeats the purpose of playing the game. At that point, why measure anything at all?

Second, when we focus on results only, we remove the element of luck from our environment. Annie Duke talks about this in her book Thinking in Bets. I can play a hand of poker perfectly according to the probability of what gives me the best chance at success and still lose the hand. Or, vice versa, I can play a hand incorrectly and still win. But if we’re only looking at the result, that may alter our way of thinking and cause us to play according to our emotions instead of what is mathematically the most likely way to win. It’s important to remember that we can only control our actions, not the actions of others, our environment, or “luck.”

So instead of focusing on results, the real question should be: “What did you do to maximize your potential?” It’s ok to ask our children if they won the game, got an A on the test, etc., but make sure we don’t praise the result. We need to focus all of our attention/praise on their efforts. What work did they put in to achieve those results? Did they try their best? (And remember, more is not always better. So if they were “studying” all night before a test and didn’t do well, maybe it would be better to have a shorter timeframe to study intensely and then get a good night of sleep.)

You don’t always have to be right.

You don’t always have to be right. This is important to remember because not only will you be wrong (a lot), but always needing to be right is very off putting.

Let the little things go. Choose which hill you want to die on, which battle you want to fight…this is something I’ve been bad at doing. I use “facts” and “evidence” to support my position. But winning each little battle (argument, debate, etc.) is less important than winning the war (maintaining/improving your overall relationship with that person/people). Not only that, but when you only speak up for the things that truly matter to you, those things will be more likely to be heard and changed, as opposed to nitpicking every little thing, which will eventually fall on deaf ears.

The need to always be right is a short-sighted way of thinking about things. Instead, bite your tongue about trivial matters. When you feel strongly/passionately about something, that’s when you speak up. But not before then…

Diminishing returns

Have you ever heard about the concept of diminishing returns? Basically, there’s a theory in economics that predicts that after some optimal level of capacity is reached, adding an additional factor of production will actually result in smaller increases in output. In other words, at some point, more is less and less is more.

For example, you can work out for 10 minutes and get good health benefits. But if you work out for 30 minutes, 60 minutes, or even 90 minutes, you will probably see greater health benefits. But at a certain point, the more you work out, the less beneficial it becomes. So if you work out for 8 hours per day, you probably are not letting your body recover properly. And instead of building your body up, you’re tearing it down.

Something that I know I need to work on is this topic when it has to do with self-improvement. I love reading, listening to audiobooks/podcasts, and learning new things. But I should not confuse reading/compiling more information for taking action. It is not a substitute for actually doing what I need to do in order to reach my goals. At some point, reading more on a subject is not going to help me anymore. So while it is tremendously beneficial in the beginning to read, consume information, and learn, at some point I will have to take action if I want to achieve my ambitions.

Bottom line: Learning prepares you to take action, but if you never do anything with the information you hoard, it’s almost like putting on floaties and never actually getting in the water when you’re learning to swim.

“Get to” versus “have to”

You don’t “have to” do something. You “get to” do it. It is a privilege that you are able to take care of whatever task you are assigned with doing. There are many people out there less fortunate than you are. So your 3-month old is having trouble sleeping at night, crying, and keeping you awake? Well, you are blessed with the opportunity to console him/her. There are plenty of people in the world who desperately want children and, for whatever reason, are unable to have them. You had a fight with your parents? Some people have lost their parents prematurely.

Think about the big picture. Why stress over something so small like “having” to do something? Will this affect you next week? What about next year? Will you even remember this event in 10 years? Make the most of life. Enjoy it. Don’t sweat the small stuff.