Controlling your responses to negative stressors

Everyone feels the same emotions…fear, insecurity, heartache, hunger, tiredness, anger, joy. What separates our role models and heroes from those who we do not look up to is how they respond to those emotions.

If you want to be the best version of yourself, take a look in the mirror. How do you respond under stress? Do you take out your frustrations on others or treat them poorly? Would you want your kids to act like you do when you’re stressed?

If you want to be more like your role model(s) or to become a role model, the first step is to be aware of how you’ve seen others react under stress. Are there people you would like to emulate?

After you’ve seen the responses of others and determined which actions you deem commendable, the next step is to be aware of how you currently react under stress. What behaviors, actions, or words do you say/do that you’re proud of and what do you want to stop doing?

After taking note of what you already do, start monitoring how you’re doing from this point forward. Be strict, but forgiving with yourself. You want to start taking the right actions right now. But if/when you mess up, own your mistakes/actions, apologize if necessary, and move forward.

Cut yourself some slack, especially in the beginning, because it takes a while to form a new habit (of responding appropriately to any/every situation). But remember, if we want to be the best version of ourselves, if we want to be a role model to our kids, if we want to make others around us feel better about themselves, and if we want the world to be a nicer place, it all starts with us. We can’t control what other people think, say, or do, but we can control ourselves. It just takes practice.

Power, choice, and feelings

Don’t let others’ words control how you feel or react. ​
Don’t let others’ words control how you feel or react.

I saw this quote on LinkedIn and decided that I wanted to talk about it a little more. I completely agree with this sentiment…

If you allow other people’s words or actions determine if you are happy, sad, mad, or anything in between, you’re in for a roller coaster of emotions in life. You can’t control what they say or do, and if you react to everything, you’re giving them the power to “make” you feel a certain way.

But the truth is, only you get to decide whether or not you feel happy or not. Keep that power for yourself – do not give it away to others who may or may not be thinking about how their actions might affect you physically or psychologically.

Practice what Viktor Frankl (Holocaust survivor, neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, and author) called SPR – Stimulus, Pause, Response. He said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Be free. Choose to be happy or choose to be mad. But make sure it is you who is making that choice, and not someone else choosing for you.

Love, anger, and sadness

“Love implies anger. The man who is angered by nothing cares about nothing.” – Edward Abbey

There are two things I would make note of when reading this quote…

First, I would expand the quote to say that love not only implies anger, but sadness as well. If you lose something you love, even if only temporarily, there are a range of emotions you could feel, including anger or sadness. Feeling passionately means you care deeply. The opposite of happiness is neither anger nor sadness – it’s apathy. It’s not feeling anything at all.

The second thing I think of when I see this quote is I hope people don’t use it as an excuse to be angry. I could see someone saying they’re only angry because they care – justifying their improper actions. While they may love you or care about you, they might just be getting angry because they are possessive, controlling, or mean-spirited. Or, they may care, but it’s caring less about another person and more about their reputation. They wouldn’t say it out loud, but deep down they’re getting angry because they care more about themselves than anyone else, and what you’re doing is hurting their status/ego.

One final note relating to this topic…

When you love someone or something deeply, you’re bound to get into disagreements or feel disappointment occasionally. How you express yourself when you feel that way will make a world of difference in how healthy your relationships are though. Don’t lash out at them. Don’t act like a child who doesn’t get his way. Treat them with the love and respect they deserve and try to talk through your feelings. It’s not healthy to erupt with anger, but it’s not healthy to bottle up your emotions either. Remember how lucky you are when you feel these negative emotions. Feeling strongly just means you’ve been fortunate enough to care deeply about something/someone. As Dr. Seuss said, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”