Tag: arguments

Phrases to cut out of your life

1) “You always/you never”…Usually, when we use this phrase, we’re blaming someone for something. You always do this thing wrong. You never do this thing right…when in reality, that’s just not true. They may do something that irritates you, but you need to do a better job of explaining to them why it upsets you. If they don’t change (and even if they do, they’ll still likely forget from time to time), do your best to let it go. You’ve said your piece. You can’t force someone to do something.

2) “Why do you/why are you”…I’m only referring to using this in an accusatory tone of voice. “Why are you ___?” instantly puts whomever you’re questioning in a defensive position (much like the “you always/never phrase above). Instead, try to ask them how they’re feeling, if anything is wrong, what their thought process was that caused them to feel/act that way, etc.

3) “I have to”…You technically don’t have to do anything. You get to do that thing. Work on being more grateful for the opportunity to do it. You get to go to work today – to earn a living, to accomplish a task, to pay for food/water/shelter, etc. Change your attitude.

4) “I can’t”…Your mind is a powerful thing. If you constantly tell yourself you can’t do something, you’ll believe it. Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.” So while you may be unable to do something right now, that doesn’t mean you won’t always be able to not do it. Instead of saying “I can’t,” ask yourself “how can I?”

5) “That’s impossible”…See the paragraph above for “I can’t.” There are some things that don’t seem possible, but if someone else has achieved it, you already know that it is possible. Plus, how many times has the human race done something that most people thought was impossible (like sailing around the world, flying in an airplane, going to space, etc)?

6) “You make me”…Once again, this is a very accusatory statement and will likely escalate the argument rather than diffuse it. But you should also remember that you have to take responsibility for how you feel. If someone “makes you mad,” do you not have any control over your own emotions? If not, you can be easily manipulated by anyone who knows how to push your buttons. Change your attitude/perspective.

Making friends and winning disagreements

“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” – Abraham Lincoln

There are two ways you can defeat your enemies. The way most people think of defeating an enemy is by overpowering them and forcing them to either give up or acquiesce to your demands. But that is not the best way to destroy an enemy. Because by doing that, you will create bitterness and keep the enemy around, even if you are not actively battling them.

Instead, the better way to defeat an enemy now by making peace with them. By making them your friends, you no longer have an enemy and you can still achieve what you want. It is much easier to reason with a friend who knows and trusts you than an enemy who thinks you are laying a trap for them. Befriending an enemy is the best solution because it is not only good for the short term, but for the long term as well.

Next time you disagree with someone, ask yourself what is the best way to resolve your dispute? Is it to ridicule them or make their ideas or morals seem inferior to yours? Or is it to befriend them and gently win them over to your way of thinking? Isn’t it more likely for someone to dig in their heels and vehemently defend their opinion (even if it was only loosely held initially) when you attack that opinion – putting them on the defensive? Instead of doing this and putting their reputation and intelligence on the line (which, of course they will argue to defend), try to win them over softly. You’ll find this to be much more effective.