conversation | The Caleb Barney Collection

Phrases to cut out of your life

1) “You always/you never”…Usually, when we use this phrase, we’re blaming someone for something. You always do this thing wrong. You never do this thing right…when in reality, that’s just not true. They may do something that irritates you, but you need to do a better job of explaining to them why it upsets you. If they don’t change (and even if they do, they’ll still likely forget from time to time), do your best to let it go. You’ve said your piece. You can’t force someone to do something.

2) “Why do you/why are you”…I’m only referring to using this in an accusatory tone of voice. “Why are you ___?” instantly puts whomever you’re questioning in a defensive position (much like the “you always/never phrase above). Instead, try to ask them how they’re feeling, if anything is wrong, what their thought process was that caused them to feel/act that way, etc.

3) “I have to”…You technically don’t have to do anything. You get to do that thing. Work on being more grateful for the opportunity to do it. You get to go to work today – to earn a living, to accomplish a task, to pay for food/water/shelter, etc. Change your attitude.

4) “I can’t”…Your mind is a powerful thing. If you constantly tell yourself you can’t do something, you’ll believe it. Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.” So while you may be unable to do something right now, that doesn’t mean you won’t always be able to not do it. Instead of saying “I can’t,” ask yourself “how can I?”

5) “That’s impossible”…See the paragraph above for “I can’t.” There are some things that don’t seem possible, but if someone else has achieved it, you already know that it is possible. Plus, how many times has the human race done something that most people thought was impossible (like sailing around the world, flying in an airplane, going to space, etc)?

6) “You make me”…Once again, this is a very accusatory statement and will likely escalate the argument rather than diffuse it. But you should also remember that you have to take responsibility for how you feel. If someone “makes you mad,” do you not have any control over your own emotions? If not, you can be easily manipulated by anyone who knows how to push your buttons. Change your attitude/perspective.

Free flowing conversations to build trust and establish rapport

Sales scripts don’t work because they are too structured, and the customer does not feel listened to. It’s best to let a natural conversation flow while still getting the information you need from the customer, rather than sounding robotic and reading off a list of questions or looking at a scripted “conversation.”

You should have certain questions you want answered so you can determine how to best help the customer, if you’re a good fit for them (and if they’re a good fit for you), etc. But really, you should be listening and responding authentically to establish the best rapport with the customer.

Keys to conversation

Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.

People will always want to talk about themselves, to boast about what they’ve done, to insert their opinion into the conversation. This is considered normal. But we should strive to be different. Different stands out. Different makes people notice, even if they’re not sure why.

Instead of talking about your accomplishments, lift others up. Instead of gossiping, speak only truths about situations and only say something about a person if you’ve already said it to them personally. Instead of complaining, be positive. See the glass half full – being realistic, but optimistic.

When others are talking, listen. Look them in the eyes. Ask interesting questions (showing your interest), add verbal and nonverbal cues to urge them to continue talking. Be excited and add to the conversation when it’s appropriate. Don’t interrupt them, or if you do, do it sparingly and only to show your excitement matches theirs.

Don’t dominate conversations. The other person/people should walk away not feeling like they were spoken down to or talked at, but like they had a genuine conversation and contributed to it.

Letting our experiences shape our perceptions

Perception is interesting. What one person perceives as good event can be perceived by another person as bad. One person could ask you an innocent question, such as, “why are you doing that?” And they’re genuinely curious because they haven’t seen someone do what you’re doing before, or at least haven’t seen it done in that way. If you perceive this the wrong way, you may automatically get defensive – thinking that they are judging you. But, in reality, they are just curious.

I feel that we assume we know what another person is thinking, or what their intentions were when they did something, way too often. We think too deeply about their words or actions, when it would be better if we just dig deeper and asked them more questions so that we could gain a better understanding of what they’re really trying to ask/accomplish.

Our perceptions are based on our mindset and our previous life experiences. Sometimes there is a deeper meaning to why something was said/done, but other times, the person/animal was just making conversation or acting on instincts. For example, I was listening to a podcast the other day when the host talked about hearing a dog bark. For him, that triggers the fight or flight response. He was bitten by dogs three times as a kid, so hearing a dog bark equates to danger in his mind. But for someone like me, growing up with dogs and always having good experiences with them, I may feel happiness when I hear a dog bark. Ultimately though, the dog is just barking. We don’t know if it is a good or bad thing (and depending on who is looking at it/hearing it, it could be both). The barking is what it is. The dogs may see a squirrel. It may be playing with other dogs. Or, it could be protecting a bone, its home, or its owner.

It’s only natural to be shaped by our experiences and to project what we think something means when we encounter others. But, we should be careful to assume we know the meaning or the reasoning behind someone’s words/actions. Don’t get defensive if someone asks you a question. Instead, dig deeper to see what they’re truly asking (if there is a deeper meaning).

Conversation – A Work In Progress

I’m introverted and generally very goal-oriented. I enjoy working hard and always staying busy. And with that, I feel that my conversational skills are often lacking. I am not big on small talk. I usually feel like I want to move onto the next thing on my checklist and that stopping to make casual conversation is unproductive. But it’s those conversations about “nothing” that help to build relationships and establish feelings of trust. It’s actually very productive (indirectly) if you can take the time to connect with others, as long as you’re still leaving time to complete other tasks (you can’t sit around and gossip all day). This has been one of my biggest social flaws ad is something I’m working to improve…

The key to improving in anything in life is first to be aware that you are deficient in an area. I’ve done that here. With conversational skills being the deficiency, I delve a little deeper into what I think makes up a good/great conversationalist. Basically, there are three parts to being a great conversationalist.

1. Asking the right questions

The first part is knowing what questions to ask. If you don’t know a person, their interests, etc., sometimes it can be difficult to strike up a conversation. But if you have a general understanding of how to start conversations (asking open-ended questions, usually about the person or a topic that the person has an opinion on) and you also have a vast knowledge of current events or miscellaneous information, this is a helpful start.

2. Be curious

After knowing what questions to ask, you have to actually ask those questions and be interested in the person’s response. You need to listen to what they’re saying and respond accordingly. If you’re interested and curious in what they are saying, this will naturally lead to more questions on your part. Give verbal or physical cues showing your interest. Don’t be over dramatic on this and don’t be fake about it, but if you’re actually interested in what they’re saying, encourage them to talk more.

3. Contribute to the conversation

The third part to be in a great conversationalist is to have interesting things to say and to be willing to share stories with others. If you have great stories to tell, but you are only giving people one word answers and not making it appear as if you’re open to have a conversation, they will shut down and try to look elsewhere. Or if you are asking them questions, but not adding to the conversation, it will seem more like an interrogation.