doing your best | The Caleb Barney Collection

Tolerant with others. Strict with yourself.

You know what you should do, so go do it. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like it. If it’s the right thing to do and it needs to be done, don’t waste anymore time procrastinating. It may be easier to skip that workout, to eat fast food, to go on a spending spree, or to not speak up against injustice, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to not do what you feel is right. Or, maybe you do what is needed, but you only do the bare minimum. Be careful of this. How you do anything is how you do everything. If you start looking for shortcuts, eventually that will be your default behavior.

That being said, that’s what YOU should do. That doesn’t mean that you should hold others to the same standards. Don’t mistake this for letting them off the hook and letting them get away with things that are dangerous, amoral, or illegal. They shouldn’t take advantage of people and still need to be called out (or stopped) when they’re doing something egregious. But for the little things that don’t really matter? Skip the criticism.

Others may do things differently than you – in a way that appears to be less effective and less efficient – but at least they’re doing it. If they ask for advice or for help, then offer it. But don’t do it before then. And don’t judge them for not doing something like you would. After all, those are your standards, not theirs. Be tolerant of their decisions, but strict with your own. If you feel your way of doing things is the “best way” to currently do them, don’t lower your standards just to make things easier for yourself.

Being a perfectionist…

“You’re not a perfectionist. You’re just scared.” – Gary Vaynerchuk

Don’t aim for perfection. To claim that you’re a perfectionist…it’s not funny, it’s not cute, it’s not admirable. Being a perfectionist STOPS you from achieving because nothing will ever be perfect. That’s why there’s a common phrase, “DONE is better than perfect.” Otherwise you’ll keep waiting for perfect and never get anything done…

If you really want to move forward and achieve your goals more quickly, you will do something to the best of your ability and submit it. After getting feedback of what worked and what didn’t, you’ll modify your actions – tweaking what did work to slightly improve it, and eliminating or changing what didn’t work. You’ll get those results back and continue the process.

The goal should be not to “never fail,” but instead to fail quickly. The word “fail” here is not meant to be permanent. If you fail and then never try anything again, then, yes, it’s a failure. But if you fail and use that information to get better/move you closer to your goals, it was actually a success.

4 requirements to have a great relationship with your significant other

1. Show them that you want to be with them. Be interested in their stories. Pay them sincere compliments. Make them feel good about themselves and make them feel desired. Ask yourself, are most of your interactions with them positive, negative, or neutral (the silent killer)?

2. Show them appreciation. When they help you, make sure you point out the specifics about how their actions have made your life easier or improved your life in some way. Never forget to thank them and do not take their helpfulness or thoughtfulness for granted. Ask yourself, when was the last time you thanked them for doing something “expected?” Do you still thank them for picking up the groceries, folding the laundry, or taking out the trash? Yes, those things need to be done. But maybe you should be the one to do those things (or, at the very least, say thank you when they get done).

3. Show them respect. Never get into a name-calling argument. Even if you disagree with their opinion or action, approach them with respect. Don’t roll your eyes, make snarky remarks, or make audible sounds (like sighing) to express your disapproval. Avoid being passive aggressive and instead be respectfully upfront with them. Have you noticed yourself doing any of these things? Stop it. And if you do catch yourself doing it, apologize right then and there.

4. Show them love. You can want to hang out with someone, but not love them. You can appreciate what they do for you, but not love them. You can respect someone, but not love them. Even though your significant other should be a treasured friend, don’t lump them into the “friend zone” with everyone else. Show them love and speak their love language. When was the last time you showed your significant other affection? When was the last time you hugged them, kissed them, or…(you get it)? Maybe their love language isn’t physical touch. You could try other things like getting them a gift “just because” or writing them a note each morning. Try different things, but always show your love for them and your relationship stands a good chance of not only surviving, but thriving.

Praise the effort

We tend to simplify things in our heads, wanting to take whatever is the easiest route. We do this in many things, including looking at results. But what should be focused on instead is the effort the individual is giving to get the results.

There are two problems when only focusing on the end result…

First, if we only focus on the end result, maybe we aren’t challenging ourselves enough. For example, I should almost always win when facing an elementary student in basketball – and I’m not even good at basketball. But when you lower your standards just so you can win, it defeats the purpose of playing the game. At that point, why measure anything at all?

Second, when we focus on results only, we remove the element of luck from our environment. Annie Duke talks about this in her book Thinking in Bets. I can play a hand of poker perfectly according to the probability of what gives me the best chance at success and still lose the hand. Or, vice versa, I can play a hand incorrectly and still win. But if we’re only looking at the result, that may alter our way of thinking and cause us to play according to our emotions instead of what is mathematically the most likely way to win. It’s important to remember that we can only control our actions, not the actions of others, our environment, or “luck.”

So instead of focusing on results, the real question should be: “What did you do to maximize your potential?” It’s ok to ask our children if they won the game, got an A on the test, etc., but make sure we don’t praise the result. We need to focus all of our attention/praise on their efforts. What work did they put in to achieve those results? Did they try their best? (And remember, more is not always better. So if they were “studying” all night before a test and didn’t do well, maybe it would be better to have a shorter timeframe to study intensely and then get a good night of sleep.)

Control the controllables

Here is what you can control: Your effort. Having the best attitude in the room. Not complaining. Being a good listener. Being able to take criticism. Working harder than anyone else. Researching and trying to figure out ways to become the best. Being a good student.

Things you can’t control? Results/outcomes. What other people do, think, or say. “Luck.”

Focus all of your energy and attention on the things you can control and don’t let the things you can’t control get you up or down. They are what they are. If the ball bounces the right way for you, great! But don’t expect things to go well for you if you’re not putting in the work.

If you did what you felt are the right things and didn’t get the result you wanted, don’t dwell on it. Allow yourself a short period of reflection to see if your decisions and actions were actually correct. If they were, continue to do that and work hard with a positive attitude. Eventually things will go your way. If your actions, while made with the best intentions, ended up being incorrect or ineffective, keep that in mind and change how you act in the future to help produce a better end result.