It can feel good being a big fish in a little pond. Everything you do is recognized. You’re respected and have the admiration of others. It’s a nice ego boost.
But if you really want to put things in perspective, you need to go to a bigger pond to see that there are other fish out there that a bigger, faster, etc.
Don’t limit yourself by staying comfortable. If you’re not willing to test the waters elsewhere, you’ll likely stay in your comfort zone and not grow to your full potential.
In the end, you’ll have to make a decision – do you want to stay where you’re on a pedestal or do you want to find new challenges?
Be humble and never think that you are better than anyone else.
It’s easy to think that you’re always right. You can justify why you thought what you thought, why you said what you said, or why you did what you did. You forgive yourself for the times you were wrong. You have excuses (or make excuses) to pardon yourself.
But what happens when other people make mistakes or if they’ve wronged you? Are you so quick to forgive them? Do you make rash judgments on their actions, even though you don’t comprehend their circumstances?
There are two quotes – both by very respected men – thathelp me be more humble when I’m put in these positions.
The first is from Abraham Lincoln. Supposedly, someone was speaking poorly of the southerners during the Civil War, to which Lincoln replied, “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
The other quote is from Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
Both of these quotes remind me to have humility. When I’m “up on my high horse,” I need a reminder of this sometimes. The person who has wronged me usually is not doing it consciously and maliciously, but they’re just reacting. Would I have responded in the same way if I were in their shoes?
If I can remember that I can be taught something by anybody, then I should know that, at least in that subject, they have superior knowledge than I do.
I may have certain beliefs, but who’s to say those are right or wrong? I may change beliefs 10 years, 10 months, 10 days, or 10 minutes from now. The goal should NOT be to prove that I am right, but just like having a hypothesis in science, it should be to test the hypothesis to see if it stands up against many challenges. I should be challenging my thinking and constantly be trying to prove it wrong. The more times it holds up, the closer I am to being correct. But because there are infinite opportunities to try to prove it wrong (and I can only test so many), I should be careful to claim that “this is the only way” and that I’m right. When people claim their way is the only way, when they slam other people’s ideas or don’t even entertain the ideas outside of mainstream thinking, their hubris begins to show.
The unhealthy ego can be such a detriment to our lives. Everybody thinks that they’re better at “x” than those around them. For example, if you ask 100 people if they are above average, average, or below average at nearly any task they complete regularly (like driving a car), the majority of them will say they are above average.
The problem with an unhealthy ego is that it makes you inclined to place judgment on others. When you think you’re better than others, you tend to treat them differently. You are more likely to point out the window, casting blame, instead of looking in the mirror first. “It’s their fault…I didn’t do anything wrong.”
When you judge, it can help you temporarily feel better. But really, it separates you from others. It isolates you and makes you feel lonely. If the person who made the mistake is on your team, it can erode your team chemistry. And if they are someone you’re dealing with in a transaction, it can suddenly make the situation much more combative than it needs to be. Judging others (even if you don’t realize you’re doing it) is a short-term “fix” that does not serve you in the long run.
The ego is not all bad though. If you are without an ego, you may not have the confidence to branch out and try something new. You may not believe in yourself or your ability to complete a difficult task. You need to have an ego, but just don’t let it get out of control.
Try to have a healthy ego. A healthy ego should allow you to have belief in yourself – that you’re a capable, responsible, honest person who does things with integrity. Once your ego grows too large, you may notice that you believe that everything you do or say is right and that nobody should ever question you. No matter how much success you experience in life, make sure you keep others around you who will challenge your thoughts, beliefs, and actions. Do not be upset with them when they do this, otherwise you are subconsciously training them to not provide any feedback that doesn’t praise you.
Don’t confuse pride with ego. They are very similar in many respects, but the difference is pride is used in a way to make you perform better, whereas ego is often something that hinders performance.
For example, with pride you hold certain standards for yourself and you want to live up to them. What you have accomplished or overcome in the past is a result of a mixture of work ethic, attitude, specific intelligence, talent, and luck. It is a non-malicious, self-centered vantage point. You take pride in doing things a certain way because others can expect good results when they come to you. If you are on a team and others do not have the same values are you, it can leave you frustrated because you feel your name (and the results that come with it) may be tarnished if you don’t live up to the hype. Pride can get in your way, but for the most part it is good to have a sense of pride in what you do and how you do it.
With ego, you are more concerned with your reputation than you care about what you do or how you do it. You view yourself as someone of importance and feel a sense of deserved respect. When ego gets in the way, it’s because you believe yourself and your opinions matter more than others – everything you do is right and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. Instead of being able to take criticism or compromise on issues, ego can cause you to dig deeper and take a stand. Ego doesn’t let you see the other person’s point of view.
Don’t let ego get in your way. If you disagree with someone, try to detach from the situation and understand where they are coming from. Why are they acting the way they are? Even if you end up disagreeing after you’ve heard them out, take the time to really listen to them, to make them feel understood, and talk with them. Don’t yell at them, try to silence/intimidate them, or wait for your turn to make a point/talk at them. The world needs to calm down. The more compassionate we are, the better off we will be.
(P.S. Compassion doesn’t mean “giving in” to an opposing viewpoint…listening is compassionate. And if you still disagree, disagree respectfully and treat them how you would want to be treated.)
“Love implies anger. The man who is angered by nothing cares about nothing.” – Edward Abbey
There are two things I would make note of when reading this quote…
First, I would expand the quote to say that love not only implies anger, but sadness as well. If you lose something you love, even if only temporarily, there are a range of emotions you could feel, including anger or sadness. Feeling passionately means you care deeply. The opposite of happiness is neither anger nor sadness – it’s apathy. It’s not feeling anything at all.
The second thing I think of when I see this quote is I hope people don’t use it as an excuse to be angry. I could see someone saying they’re only angry because they care – justifying their improper actions. While they may love you or care about you, they might just be getting angry because they are possessive, controlling, or mean-spirited. Or, they may care, but it’s caring less about another person and more about their reputation. They wouldn’t say it out loud, but deep down they’re getting angry because they care more about themselves than anyone else, and what you’re doing is hurting their status/ego.
One final note relating to this topic…
When you love someone or something deeply, you’re bound to get into disagreements or feel disappointment occasionally. How you express yourself when you feel that way will make a world of difference in how healthy your relationships are though. Don’t lash out at them. Don’t act like a child who doesn’t get his way. Treat them with the love and respect they deserve and try to talk through your feelings. It’s not healthy to erupt with anger, but it’s not healthy to bottle up your emotions either. Remember how lucky you are when you feel these negative emotions. Feeling strongly just means you’ve been fortunate enough to care deeply about something/someone. As Dr. Seuss said, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
