Tag: influence

Mastering yourself

“The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself.” – Plato

If you can’t control your emotions, acting on impulse, or “forcing” yourself to do what you know needs to be done, you are already at a disadvantage.

So many people worry about persuading others to do what they want, or to somehow influence their decisions, but don’t take into consideration the fact that if they are able to conquer themselves, they will be much better off.

Practice discipline. Practice self-control. Practice mastering your thoughts (and limiting negative self-talk). Focus on what you can control (your thoughts, words, and actions) and let the rest go.

Influence vs control

You can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. Or, if you do get them to do it and they didn’t want to do it in the first place (if they didn’t think they needed to do it/didn’t see value in doing it), they won’t benefit from it the way you think they will. If they are not open to it and they’re not mentally ready to make the change, you’ll both end up wasting time and getting frustrated with each other.

We can influence another person’s actions, but we can’t control their actions. Despite the fact that we may truly believe it will help that person, they have to be the ones who want to do the activity, to make the change, and to benefit from the action. If they don’t want it, it won’t work.

Try to appeal to their emotions first. Why should they want to do what you’re asking them to do? What are the benefits to them? What’s most important to them and how will it improve that? Once you’ve got their attention and they have bought in, then you can reason with them logically. Don’t forget this part (logic) either. Emotions come and go. Logic will stick with them and help them understand why it’s important, but logic does not create the “want” of doing the action.

Influence vs. control

You can influence others, but you can’t control them. Others can influence you, but they can’t control you. You get to decide what you do or don’t do. Don’t blame someone else for “making” you do something or feel some way. They may have influence over you, but only you get to determine if they control you or not.

Let’s take that a step further and apply it to life circumstances. We don’t get to control what happens in our environment. We can influence it to an extent and it can influence us but we don’t control it and it doesn’t control us.

Don’t blame the economy, the government, the president, your boss, or anyone else for something that isn’t right in your life. They’re only a small part of the problem. The bigger part of the problem is your attitude and your actions.

The good news is that if you’re the majority of the problem, you’re also the majority of the solution. Work on fixing yourself and your life will get better. No matter the circumstances, you can always try to improve your situation by improving your attitude, being prepared, working hard, and being kind to others. If you do this everyday, you’ll soon find out that outside circumstances eventually have less and less influence (and absolutely no control) on your life.

Something I’ve been thinking about recently…

I recently listened to a podcast with Tim Ferriss, featuring Jim Collins. Jim is the very successful researcher and author of Good to Great, Built to Last, Great by Choice, and many others. Tim is a very successful writer in his own right, with best sellers including The 4-hour Workweek, Tools of Titans, and Tribe of Mentors, but he is probably better known for his podcast, The Tim Ferriss Show, these days.

In this interview, they brought up an interesting thought exercise regarding trust and relationships. The question posed by Jim was if you naturally trust others vs. if you feel they need to earn your trust. Does how you behave from the outset of meeting someone help to shape whether they become more trustworthy (at least when it comes to their behaviors/actions towards yourself)?

In other words, are your subtle actions (showing you trust/distrust them) serving to empower them? Will they work harder for you (if they are collaborating with you or an employee for you) because you implicitly trust them? Will they be kinder to you or have a better relationship with you because of the trust you have shown them from the beginning? Or, if you are distrusting and guarded at first, will it indirectly cause them to be more guarded? Will your lack of trust actually become a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy and make that person act more untrustworthy?

It’s an unanswerable question, but a good one to think of…my actions affect myself, of course. But how are they affecting others (which, in turn, indirectly affect me yet again)?

I get to enjoy my life (it’s a choice)

So much of your happiness in life is about how you frame the events around you. Jon Gordon talks about the power of positive thinking through mindset shifts. By telling yourself that you get to do something, not that you have to do it, you are reframing the same event by thinking of it as a positive experience instead of a negative one. It’s how you choose to think about it.

For example, say you just had a great weekend with your family and friends. But here comes Monday morning. You don’t want to go to work. But instead of thinking, “I have to go to work today and I don’t want to,” reframe it to think how you get to go to work and make a living, when others are physically or mentally unable to do so.

Or say you are thinking about skipping the gym. You hate having to work out. Once again, that’s the wrong attitude. Instead, choose to think about how you get to work out so you can live a longer, healthier life.

You get to give your kids a bath, when some people want kids of their own but can’t have them…

You get to go to your parents house for dinner, when other people have lost one or both parents…

The examples are never ending, but no matter the circumstances, it always comes down to how you think about the event/task/situation. It is always a choice for you to make – to be content/grateful or to be upset.

Next time you find yourself thinking that you have to do something, stop and say, “no, I get to do this.” Retrain you’re thought process. Start thinking about how lucky you are. Don’t take things for granted and the happiness you experience in life will improve.