judgment | The Caleb Barney Collection

False narratives

“The way you think about a person isn’t the way they actually are.” – John Green

Sometimes, when we have incomplete information, or when we don’t really know a person, we tell ourselves that they did something maliciously towards us because they’re mean, miserable, etc. And while there may be some truth to that story, the real truth is we don’t know why they did what they did or why they said what they said. Maybe they were hangry or they just got bad news about their kids, parents, or friends. Maybe they’re going through a divorce or they’re stressed from work. Maybe they thought they were just teasing you and didn’t know you took it the wrong way.

I’d like to think that most people, at least in their own eyes, are good. We may misunderstand them or have different values, but that doesn’t make the other person bad. Your boss or co-worker you can’t stand? They are someone’s mom/dad, husband/wife, child, friend, etc. They want to be happy and feel like they’re contributing to others’ happiness too. Maybe they’re stuck in a rut or you caught them at a bad time, or maybe you were jut too sensitive at that moment.

At the very worst, think of the situation through the lens of Hanlon’s razor. It says, “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” In other words, sometimes bad things happen not because of people are purposely trying to hurt you, but because they did not think through their actions (and the consequences) properly. People *usually* aren’t out to get you.

Comparing yourself to others

Stop comparing yourself to others. You think that you’re several rungs down on a ladder from them (or several rungs above them) when, in reality, you might not be on the same ladder! If your goals are different from theirs (which everyone’s goals are to a degree) then how can you say that you are ahead of or behind someone?

Comparison is the thief of joy. When you look at others and envy their position, what you often fail to realize is how lucky you are. No matter what your circumstances, you have it better than someone else. Use your past experiences to your advantage. Be ethical about it, understand what privileges you’ve been granted, but don’t feel bad about it.

Be grateful for where you are in life and what you have, but don’t be complacent. Always strive to be better, to help more people, and the results will come. You’re not doing yourself any favors by comparing yourself to others. You can use other people as examples for inspiration or even for what decisions NOT to make, but avoid comparing your actual life to others. What you see on social media is only part of their life.

Finally, remember that you can always learn from anyone – whether they’re older or younger than you, make more/less money than you, have different beliefs/core values, etc. Keep an open mind and remember that even if you disagree with 99% of what they say, if you try to understand their point of view it will open your mind to new ways of thinking.

Jealousy, privilege, and comparison

Before you make a jealous statement, “they’re so lucky that ____” or “it must be easy because of ____”, truly think to yourself the amount of work that that individual put in to get to where they are. There really are not many “overnight successes.”

And for those who inherited wealth or were put in a better position to start than you? Consider yourself the lucky one. You have gone through trials and tribulations that they have not, and it has forged you into the person you are today.

There will always be someone better off than you just like there will always be others worse off than you, yet you don’t consider yourself privileged. Take a step back and look in the mirror. If you’re reading this on a computer, how “lucky” are you? If you live in the United States, how lucky are you? If you have your eyesight and can hear, how lucky are you? Do you have four limbs? How lucky are you? People tend to downplay the “luck” that played a role in how they got to where they are today, yet they emphasize it in others’ success.

“I’m a self-made person” you say. But, in reality, everyone has had help along the way. Some have had more help than others. But you’ve had more help than plenty of others as well. Remember that.

Finally, stop comparing yourself to others. It doesn’t matter where they are or where they’re going. You can’t control that. But you can influence the direction of your life by the decisions you make each and every day. Work to get 1% better every single day and you’ll be amazed by the results in 1 year, 10 years, and beyond.

Withholding judgment

Don’t hold other people to your standards. It’s their life, not yours. Be happy for them if they’re happy with the decisions they’ve made.

When you judge others based on their decisions, it is often coming from a place of resentment. Whether you resent them for doing something you wish you could do or whether you disagree with their lifestyle, either way, judging them won’t make them change and only presents downside to you. Judging others never brings you joy. Eliminate judging and complaining for a better day.