Tag: life

Receiving feedback

Hearing feedback can be really tough. Oftentimes, it can take us by surprise and we get defensive about it. But we need feedback to grow. Usually, there is at least a kernel of truth in what the other person is telling us. Instead of automatically justifying why you did/said what you did, just listen. Refrain from responding until the person is done talking. But don’t do one of those, “mhmm…ok…” almost like a “hurry-up and get it over with” verbal prodding. Stay open (watch out for negative body language). Then, after the sting of hearing what you need to hear, repeat back to them (or rephrase what you heard). If you and that person are on the same page, that’s probably a good thing. Finally, take their feedback and use it to make you a better person. Even if you don’t fully agree with what they’ve said, try to make small tweaks or improvements. None of us are perfect, so we at least know that we can slightly improve.

Brene Brown’s 3 key phrases to remember when receiving feedback…

⁃ “I’m brave enough to listen.”

⁃ “There’s something valuable here. Take what works and leave the rest.”

⁃ “Feedback is the path to mastery.”

Tolerant with others. Strict with yourself.

“”Tolerant with others. Strict with yourself. Marcus Aurelius
“Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.” – Marcus Aurelius

You know what you should do, so go do it. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like it. If it’s the right thing to do and it needs to be done, don’t waste anymore time procrastinating. It may be easier to skip that workout, to eat fast food, to go on a spending spree, or to not speak up against injustice, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to not do what you feel is right. Or, maybe you do what is needed, but you only do the bare minimum. Be careful of this. How you do anything is how you do everything. If you start looking for shortcuts, eventually that will be your default behavior.

That being said, that’s what YOU should do. That doesn’t mean that you should hold others to the same standards. Don’t mistake this for letting them off the hook and letting them get away with things that are dangerous, amoral, or illegal. They shouldn’t take advantage of people and still need to be called out (or stopped) when they’re doing something egregious. But for the little things that don’t really matter? Skip the criticism.

Others may do things differently than you – in a way that appears to be less effective and less efficient – but at least they’re doing it. If they ask for advice or for help, then offer it. But don’t do it before then. And don’t judge them for not doing something like you would. After all, those are your standards, not theirs. Be tolerant of their decisions, but strict with your own. If you feel your way of doing things is the “best way” to currently do them, don’t lower your standards just to make things easier for yourself.

Opportunity cost

If you’re saying “yes” to one thing (and this applies to anything in life), that means you are saying “no” to something else.

What is your opportunity cost? We can’t be in two places at once. We only have so much time in the day. We have limited resources. So by saying yes to one thing, it is costing you the opportunity to do something else.

Choose what you spend your time, energy, and money on wisely. If you always want to do what feels good in the moment, you may be sacrificing the well-being of your future self.

Listen to understand

Do not listen with the intent to reply, but with the intent to understand.

Everyone would benefit from having better listening skills. The main part of listening that I think we sometimes forget is that we should be listening to actually understand the other person’s point of view. How are they feeling? What are they trying to convey? Why do they feel that way?

If you are curious, and you’re not afraid to ask questions, you’ll naturally begin to ask them more questions to gain a better understanding of why they’re talking. This takes patience. Sometimes others don’t know why they’re talking. Other times they want to feel important. Try to understand where they’re coming from, and be ok not having “the answer” or saying something profound every time you speak. Instead, keep asking better questions.

If you ask better questions, you’ll get better answers. And not only that, but the other person will feel like you genuinely care (which you should) and that you actually understand them (which a lot of people won’t). You’ll build new relationships quicker and you’ll strengthen your existing relationships.

Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Don’t go on your phone when they’re talking. Look at them in the eyes and give them your full attention. If you do that, they will feel listened to and you might actually learn or retain what they’ve said. Then, if you bring up something they said in the past (in a future conversation), they’ll feel even more heard, which will again strengthen your relationship with them.