The key to having less conflict in relationships

“In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.” – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

If you want to have less conflict, don’t go looking for it. Choose not to be offended and you won’t be. Stop trying to listen for things you don’t want to hear. If you’re on edge (in marriage and in life), and looking for things to be upset about, you can always find them. Let the little things go. Forgive more. Nobody is perfect – including you. So get off your high horse and accept your significant other as they are.

Controlling your responses to negative stressors

Everyone feels the same emotions…fear, insecurity, heartache, hunger, tiredness, anger, joy. What separates our role models and heroes from those who we do not look up to is how they respond to those emotions.

If you want to be the best version of yourself, take a look in the mirror. How do you respond under stress? Do you take out your frustrations on others or treat them poorly? Would you want your kids to act like you do when you’re stressed?

If you want to be more like your role model(s) or to become a role model, the first step is to be aware of how you’ve seen others react under stress. Are there people you would like to emulate?

After you’ve seen the responses of others and determined which actions you deem commendable, the next step is to be aware of how you currently react under stress. What behaviors, actions, or words do you say/do that you’re proud of and what do you want to stop doing?

After taking note of what you already do, start monitoring how you’re doing from this point forward. Be strict, but forgiving with yourself. You want to start taking the right actions right now. But if/when you mess up, own your mistakes/actions, apologize if necessary, and move forward.

Cut yourself some slack, especially in the beginning, because it takes a while to form a new habit (of responding appropriately to any/every situation). But remember, if we want to be the best version of ourselves, if we want to be a role model to our kids, if we want to make others around us feel better about themselves, and if we want the world to be a nicer place, it all starts with us. We can’t control what other people think, say, or do, but we can control ourselves. It just takes practice.

Giving out of love versus giving out of expectation

Don’t be a fake giver (giving only because you’re expecting to get something in return). You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you’re keeping score for a game which the other person doesn’t know you’re playing.

If you think to yourself, “I did a, b, and c for this person, so they should give me x, y, or z when I ask in the future,” you’re asking for disappointment. Hopefully that person help you out in whatever way they can because you’re a good friend and they’re a good friend, but expecting reciprocity (especially when you do something for them now, but want them to remember your actions far in the future) is going to lead to frustration from both people.

Be caring. Be nice. Find ways to help. But if you can’t do something, or if it stretches you too thin, don’t feel obligated to do so. It’s ok to say no – and you don’t have to give them a reason why either. If you want to explain to someone why you can’t do something for them, at least they’ll have a better understanding of why you can’t. But they’re not entitled to know (just like you’re not entitled to knowing why they might say no to you in the future).

Give without keeping score. It will save you frustration in the long run because the other person doesn’t know they’re part of an unspoken transaction (which only took place in your mind).

Knowledge and ignorance

“The greater our knowledge increases the more our ignorance unfolds.” John F. Kennedy

You don’t know what you don’t know. I used to think I was relatively smart, then I began reading more and realized that there is so much I don’t know.

We will never know everything. We can’t even know everything that we think we know, let alone use science, math, and other information/data to break through to understand new answers and technologies.

As long as you remain humble, keep an open mind, and always try to learn something new, you’ll be in a good spot. Don’t talk down to others because you think your idea of “the truth” is more complete than theirs. Over time, you’ll come to realize that your truth today is only a partial truth. It’s your truth, but then there is also the other person’s truth (their perspective of the same event/situation) and the objective truth (what happened, with no thoughts/opinions of why something was said/done, without assigning intent or judgment, etc). And what really plays with your mind is when you realize that your truth today gets twisted/altered so that when you look back at the event in five, ten, or twenty years, you have yet another version of the truth.

Healthspan vs lifespan

Work to improve your healthspan, not just your lifespan.

Why would you want to live to be 100 years old if your health was poor for the last 30 years of your life? Is it really considered “living” if you can’t do the things you want to do based on physical or mental limitations?

“Healthspan” can be defined as the period of one’s life that one is healthy. Focus on eating the right foods, exercising your mind and body regularly, stretching, breathing, drinking enough water, and getting enough sleep. And just as important as adding positive actions is removing negative ones too. There are things you can limit or avoid doing that can shorten your healthspan such as drinking too much alcohol, smoking, not wearing a seatbelt (if you get into an accident), over consuming food, etc.

Keep these things in mind everyday. Yes, you should enjoy yourself every now and then. And moderation goes a long way. But the more often you treat your current self, the more likely you are actually hurting your future self. Make conscious decisions on if your actions are worth the potential consequences.