mindset | The Caleb Barney Collection

Power, choice, and feelings

Don’t let others’ words control how you feel or react.

I saw this quote on LinkedIn and decided that I wanted to talk about it a little more. I completely agree with this sentiment…

If you allow other people’s words or actions determine if you are happy, sad, mad, or anything in between, you’re in for a roller coaster of emotions in life. You can’t control what they say or do, and if you react to everything, you’re giving them the power to “make” you feel a certain way.

But the truth is, only you get to decide whether or not you feel happy or not. Keep that power for yourself – do not give it away to others who may or may not be thinking about how their actions might affect you physically or psychologically.

Practice what Viktor Frankl (Holocaust survivor, neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, and author) called SPR – Stimulus, Pause, Response. He said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Be free. Choose to be happy or choose to be mad. But make sure it is you who is making that choice, and not someone else choosing for you.

Setting easy and hard goals

It’s only a partial truth when you hear the saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Because the alternative to that is that something could beat you down and wear you out, and if you don’t allow yourself to recover before the next defeat, you’re only going to see a decrease in performance. Too many harsh defeats in a row could decrease your confidence, and instead of making you stronger, it weakens your resolve.

Practice balancing between setting hard to achieve, but still realistic goals and getting some quick wins under your belt (to build momentum and confidence). When you do go for something and fail, prioritize learning from your mistakes and recovering from failures. Just make sure that A) you’re not aiming too low just to avoid the feeling of pain/loss; and B) you have regular stretch goals that are realistic, but definitely not guaranteed.

Practicing patience

The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit.

Most things in life that are worthwhile are either difficult to obtain, take effort, or take time to develop/grow. Some of the best things in life require all three. For example, having a strong relationship (whether between your spouse, best friend, or co-worker) takes time. You don’t have a deep relationship with them the first time you meet them. It takes effort on your part to listen, to show you care for them, etc. The longer you do this, the stronger your relationship grows.

The same can be said for physical success (building/shaping your body how you want it to look), mental (learning a new subject or language), financial (accumulating wealth), or at work (you have to start somewhere, and that place usually isn’t at the top). Most great things take time. We don’t plant the seed and eat the fruit the same day, just as we don’t do one workout and get a six pack the same day. The overnight success is the outlier.

Practice patience. Be patient with others, but be patient with yourself and your goals too. Don’t give up just because you’re not seeing results as quickly as you want. Eventually, if you are consistently working towards your goals, you can achieve great things. Just make sure you’re setting S.M.A.R.T. goals towards things that are actually meaningful to you. If you really want to achieve them, you’ll find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.

Make taking action your default tendency

When you face uncertainty, do you take action or do you pause? There’s fight, flight, or freeze.

There’s not a “one size fits all” answer for every situation. You can deal with each scenario differently, and depending on the urgency of what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, your previous history with that person/scenario, and the risk/reward balance, you may choose differently.

But we all have a default action or inaction that we take.

I tend to lean towards taking action. Instead of thinking about doing things, just do them. You’ll make mistakes along the way, but you’ll also end up getting much more done than those who default to pausing/talking things over.

Default towards taking action. Be aggressive. Don’t be passive.

Action —> Competence —> Confidence —> Success

Taking action will help increase your competence, which will give you more confidence. The more confident you are, the more likely others will be drawn to you, increasing your likelihood of success.

If you want to be successful in anything, it all starts with taking action. Whatever you are afraid of, that’s probably what you need to do. Charge towards your fears or what is difficult for you. Chances are, it’s difficult for others as well, and when you’re willing to do what others aren’t, you’ll see results that they won’t get. Take action. Ryan Holiday paraphrases a famous Marcus Aurelius quote (shown below) with the title of his best-selling book, “The obstacle is the way.”

The obstacle is the way — “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” – Marcus Aurelius

If you’re afraid of prospecting for new clients, that’s probably because you are uncomfortable doing it and you need to do it. You have to take action to actually get better at it. The more you practice something, the more competent you’ll become, and the more competent you become, the more confidence you will earn.

It will be difficult to make the decision to deliberately put yourself in a position where you might fail, but you must do this. It is the only way to get better quickly. You can read or talk with others who have done it before you all you want, but eventually YOU need to take action. The sooner you realize this and start doing it, the quicker you can achieve your dreams.