Tag: parenting

Half-baked thoughts: Varying levels of parenting

Levels of parenting:

1) Being a parent = Having a child.

2) Being a good parent = Taking care of your child/children.

3) Being a great parent = Taking care of yourself and your child/children.

It doesn’t take much to be a parent, but it does take a lot of time, effort, and sacrifice to be a good or great parent. The difference between good and great might not be what you think though…instead of giving more to your kids and never letting them struggle, I think a great parent lets their kids find things out on their own.

A great parent lays the foundation for their children – making them feel loved and safe, providing a roof over their heads, and giving them access to healthy foods. A great parent also teaches their kids manners, how to respect others and to be kind, and to have a good work ethic.

But a great parent is not a helicopter parent (or, a lawnmower parent). They don’t hover over their children – never letting their kids experience failure or disappointment. They also don’t clear a path for their children – making their lives so easy that they never experience struggle.

Lastly (at least for this post), a great parent takes care of themself as well as their children. They eat right, exercise their mind and body, and are financially responsible. They are there to serve as a role model for the kids, who inevitably will learn from the parent’s actions. This not only allows the parent to have their own time to recharge, but it also gives the kids some independence from their parents.

Impact and self-worth

Don’t get your sense of self worth from what you do for money or how much you have of it. Instead, think of what value you bring to those around you.

How will others remember you when you die? If you were to ask everyone you know what 3 adjectives describe you, what would they say? Would you be happy with how others think of you or do you need to start living differently?

Your impact on others will be remembered far greater than how much money you earned or what you did professionally…

Are you helping or hurting?

There’s a spectrum of helpfulness and hinderance. For example, helping (or not) around the house. If you don’t lift a finger around the house, obviously it is not helpful. But on the other hand, if you try to be Superman (or Superwoman) and do everything yourself, you are actually hurting those around you more than you think. Those who live in the household need to contribute to the household. If they don’t have any duties, 1) they won’t feel useful; 2) they will become unaccustomed to building good work habits; 3) they will not learn necessary life skills like doing laundry, doing dishes, taking out the trash, starting a lawn mower/knowing how to use it, etc. They develop a “learned helplessness” because you didn’t let them do anything.

In short, doing everything can give you a sense of accomplishment because you’re checking things off the “to-do” list, but it is hurting those you love in the long run. Another unintended side effect is you will often build a resentment towards that person (“why aren’t they helping me?”)

Just as with everything else in life, there is a balance between doing, delegating, and eliminating. Don’t do everything. See if your partner likes certain chores more than others. Maybe he/she likes loading the dishwasher and you don’t. Great! That can be their chore. Maybe you like folding laundry, but not putting it away. Ok! You can split that task up. Get your kids involved too. Yes, their life should involve a lot of playing, but if you don’t teach them to have responsibilities then you aren’t doing them any favors when they eventually enter the real world.

Setting an example

“Great dads know that they are setting the example for just about everything in their child’s life. How to handle adversity. How to be a friend. How to treat those less fortunate. How to succeed with humility. How to care for the people you love. How to be a good parent.” – From Daily Dad (the creators of The Daily Stoic)

Think about that everyday. How are you acting? Would you want your kids to see that and emulate you? Are you throwing an adult tantrum when things don’t go your way? Are you pouting? Are you mean?

Show your kids how to act and speak with dignity, how to apologize when they’re wrong, how to stand up for themselves, how to control their emotions. Be the best version of yourself for you, but also for them. Because you are teaching them how to respond in these situations, whether you think they’re looking or not…

Love

“One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother,” Howard Hunter said.

It only takes a moment to do, but your kids will remember your words long after you say them and your actions after you do them. It will impart on them how to treat their future spouses.

Do you want your kids to be loving, generous, and grateful? Make sure you try to display that with your actions daily. If you diminish what your spouse says or does, if you treat them poorly or with indifference, or if you don’t show them respect, your kids can pick that up and do the same.