parenting | The Caleb Barney Collection

Keys to conversation

Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.

People will always want to talk about themselves, to boast about what they’ve done, to insert their opinion into the conversation. This is considered normal. But we should strive to be different. Different stands out. Different makes people notice, even if they’re not sure why.

Instead of talking about your accomplishments, lift others up. Instead of gossiping, speak only truths about situations and only say something about a person if you’ve already said it to them personally. Instead of complaining, be positive. See the glass half full – being realistic, but optimistic.

When others are talking, listen. Look them in the eyes. Ask interesting questions (showing your interest), add verbal and nonverbal cues to urge them to continue talking. Be excited and add to the conversation when it’s appropriate. Don’t interrupt them, or if you do, do it sparingly and only to show your excitement matches theirs.

Don’t dominate conversations. The other person/people should walk away not feeling like they were spoken down to or talked at, but like they had a genuine conversation and contributed to it.

Love, respect, and forgiveness

Remember to treat yourself and others with love, respect, and forgiveness every single day.

When you start with love, you will always want the best for yourself and for others. You’ll try to help them as much as you can. But help doesn’t mean giving them handouts and spoon feeding them. There needs to be a healthy balance between short-term help and long-term help. Always “helping” someone get what they want, for example, may not be helping them in the long run. Making sure nobody ever feels struggle is not helping them. It’s weakening them, giving them less ability to overcome adversity, and giving them less resolve. The best help is by teaching them how to get what they want, not having you go out and getting them whatever they want.

Next, you need to treat yourself and others with respect. The moment you start disrespecting others is the moment that you begin to lose credibility for yourself. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Don’t talk down to others, don’t berate them, but also don’t treat them with pity. If you see someone who needs your help, try to walk alongside them. You may think that the other person can’t do anything for you, but you never know how your actions can affect them, where they’ll end up, or what connections they might have as well. Don’t forget you must also respect yourself. That means setting boundaries with people or saying no sometimes. You need to respect yourself enough to not let yourself be walked all over by others.

Lastly, you need to practice forgiveness with yourself and others. You don’t have to forget how you made a mistake or how others might have wronged you. But you should forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes, yourself included. Try to learn from them and move on. Make sure you don’t hold grudges or else you will live a long, miserable life.

Facing adversity to minimize entitlement

The sooner you can allow your children to experience adversity, the better off they will be. Ideally, they should face small problems/hurdles to overcome, with the hurdles gradually increasing as they are able to mentally and physically overcome them.

If you shield them from every pain, if you protect them from ever receiving negative feedback, they won’t be able to withstand even the slightest pain when they grow up. Imagine how embarrassing it will be when they are eight years old and still don’t know how to share toys/games. Or when they cry for not getting their way when they are nine. Imagine them being a poor sport when they lose a game because you always let them win.

They need to understand rejection, defeat, and not always getting their way. If you always cave in to every request (candy, buying them games, etc), they will expect life to do the same. But that’s not how life works and they will be in for a rude awakening when they finally figure that out. That’s why so many people who are entitled. They think they deserve something just because they are them. They weren’t taught proper manners and expectations at a younger age and have brought a child’s mindset to adolescence (and beyond).

There are no shortcuts worth taking in the long run

There are no shortcuts worth taking in the long run. Of course, this is metaphorically speaking. I’m sure you could find actual examples of shortcuts that are beneficial to you. But in the way of thinking of trying to avoid putting in the hard work, it is almost always better that you go through that tough experience instead of trying to skirt around it. The hardships will help to develop you as a person.

So instead of cheating to get an A in a class or on a test, study hard and earn that A. That way you’ll actually learn the material and be able to use it in the future.

Or instead of taking steroids to get strong really quickly, build your body over time. It will be safer and better for your overall health.

Instead of lying or taking credit when you don’t deserve it at work, tell the truth and you’ll earn more respect. Share the credit with others when it is due to them. Be humble in your successes and gracious in your defeats.

Learn to enjoy the journey instead of only focusing on the destination. When you stop and pay attention, you’ll realize that the trials and tribulations you experience along the way are some of your best learning lessons.

Welcoming disagreements

“One of the most difficult lessons many leaders learn (or fail to learn) is the necessity to welcome and tolerate disagreement.”

There are two ends of the agreement spectrum that we should try to avoid…

The first is to be 💯% agreeable on everything, aka a “yes man.” This is conflict avoidance at its worst.

The other end of the spectrum is to always shut others’ ideas down right away because they don’t align with your thoughts. Nobody can tell you anything if it doesn’t support your opinion. This is someone who craves confrontation and seeks it out.

I’m working on improving in this area (on both ends of the spectrum) – trying to learn the best ways to tactfully disagree. You should have original thoughts and feel comfortable voicing your opinion. But there are things that matter more and things that matter less which should/shouldn’t be argued about or debated. You don’t have to “win” every argument, and by always “needing” to be right, you will eventually discourage others from voicing their opinions around you.