Tag: parenting

Consistency and predictability

Good leaders (including good parents) should be consistent and predictable with their actions and responses. What kid/employee would want to “walk around on eggshells” everyday, not knowing if their actions are going to make their parent/boss go berserk?

Aim to be consistent in what you say and how you act. Reward the same actions on a day-to-day basis, and punish the same actions on a day-to-day basis. Don’t be so temperamental. Those around you should know, “if I do X, my boss will be pleased with me. But if I do Y, they will not be happy.”

If we set clear expectations from the beginning, and follow through by rewarding/punishing accordingly, everyone will know the rules of the game and understand how they can win.

Influence vs. control

You can influence others, but you can’t control them. Others can influence you, but they can’t control you. You get to decide what you do or don’t do. Don’t blame someone else for “making” you do something or feel some way. They may have influence over you, but only you get to determine if they control you or not.

Let’s take that a step further and apply it to life circumstances. We don’t get to control what happens in our environment. We can influence it to an extent and it can influence us but we don’t control it and it doesn’t control us.

Don’t blame the economy, the government, the president, your boss, or anyone else for something that isn’t right in your life. They’re only a small part of the problem. The bigger part of the problem is your attitude and your actions.

The good news is that if you’re the majority of the problem, you’re also the majority of the solution. Work on fixing yourself and your life will get better. No matter the circumstances, you can always try to improve your situation by improving your attitude, being prepared, working hard, and being kind to others. If you do this everyday, you’ll soon find out that outside circumstances eventually have less and less influence (and absolutely no control) on your life.

Compound interest – thought about in another way

“All the benefits in life come from compound interest — money, relationships, habits — anything of importance.” – Naval Ravikandt

If you want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you’re not just going to work out really hard for three months then have the body of a champion bodybuilder. You have to put in the time and effort for the long haul. The same applies to nearly anything in life. To become a master of anything, you must treat your training (and habits) as if you are running a marathon. Improve little by little. Improve just 1% consistently, working towards your goals everyday and you will go further than most of those around you. If you want to write a book, start by writing a chapter, a paragraph, a single sentence. Every journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.

If you want to be the best mom/dad, it’s not about taking your children on that one vacation each year and then not really seeing them throughout the rest of the year. Instead, it’s about your daily interactions with them.

It’s not what you do once, but it’s the “compound interest” from your efforts over time that will make you rich.

Be judicious with your words

You can always say something that you haven’t said. But you can never undo or unsay something that you have already said.

Be careful with your words. Be thoughtful, kind, and uplifting. It may feel good to say what’s on your mind, but it could be potentially damaging to your long-term relationships. Learn to bite your tongue and tactfully say what you need to say, when you need to say it.

This is not to say you can’t thoughtfully critique anyone (especially those you care for). If you don’t speak up, how can they make a change? But don’t say something in the heat of the moment, or else you may regret how it comes out – and what is said cannot be unsaid.

Praise the effort

We tend to simplify things in our heads, wanting to take whatever is the easiest route. We do this in many things, including looking at results. But what should be focused on instead is the effort the individual is giving to get the results.

There are two problems when only focusing on the end result…

First, if we only focus on the end result, maybe we aren’t challenging ourselves enough. For example, I should almost always win when facing an elementary student in basketball – and I’m not even good at basketball. But when you lower your standards just so you can win, it defeats the purpose of playing the game. At that point, why measure anything at all?

Second, when we focus on results only, we remove the element of luck from our environment. Annie Duke talks about this in her book Thinking in Bets. I can play a hand of poker perfectly according to the probability of what gives me the best chance at success and still lose the hand. Or, vice versa, I can play a hand incorrectly and still win. But if we’re only looking at the result, that may alter our way of thinking and cause us to play according to our emotions instead of what is mathematically the most likely way to win. It’s important to remember that we can only control our actions, not the actions of others, our environment, or “luck.”

So instead of focusing on results, the real question should be: “What did you do to maximize your potential?” It’s ok to ask our children if they won the game, got an A on the test, etc., but make sure we don’t praise the result. We need to focus all of our attention/praise on their efforts. What work did they put in to achieve those results? Did they try their best? (And remember, more is not always better. So if they were “studying” all night before a test and didn’t do well, maybe it would be better to have a shorter timeframe to study intensely and then get a good night of sleep.)