philosophy | The Caleb Barney Collection

The simplicity of friendship

“The most that I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.” – Henry David Thoreau

You have no obligations to do x, y, or z to be considered a good friend. And your friend, if they are truly your friend, should not place unrealistic expectations on you, make you fulfill certain requirements, or check certain boxes to be considered a friend. Work on being supportive, on checking in with them on occasion, and on being happy for them if they are happy or helping them when they need help. It’s that simple.

Pride vs ego

Don’t confuse pride with ego. They are very similar in many respects, but the difference is pride is used in a way to make you perform better, whereas ego is often something that hinders performance.

For example, with pride you hold certain standards for yourself and you want to live up to them. What you have accomplished or overcome in the past is a result of a mixture of work ethic, attitude, specific intelligence, talent, and luck. It is a non-malicious, self-centered vantage point. You take pride in doing things a certain way because others can expect good results when they come to you. If you are on a team and others do not have the same values are you, it can leave you frustrated because you feel your name (and the results that come with it) may be tarnished if you don’t live up to the hype. Pride can get in your way, but for the most part it is good to have a sense of pride in what you do and how you do it.

With ego, you are more concerned with your reputation than you care about what you do or how you do it. You view yourself as someone of importance and feel a sense of deserved respect. When ego gets in the way, it’s because you believe yourself and your opinions matter more than others – everything you do is right and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. Instead of being able to take criticism or compromise on issues, ego can cause you to dig deeper and take a stand. Ego doesn’t let you see the other person’s point of view.

Don’t let ego get in your way. If you disagree with someone, try to detach from the situation and understand where they are coming from. Why are they acting the way they are? Even if you end up disagreeing after you’ve heard them out, take the time to really listen to them, to make them feel understood, and talk with them. Don’t yell at them, try to silence/intimidate them, or wait for your turn to make a point/talk at them. The world needs to calm down. The more compassionate we are, the better off we will be.

(P.S. Compassion doesn’t mean “giving in” to an opposing viewpoint…listening is compassionate. And if you still disagree, disagree respectfully and treat them how you would want to be treated.)

Be yourself

It will always be easier to blend in with the crowd or to disappear by not speaking an original thought. When you’re different, it makes people uneasy. They want you to believe the same things they do.

In years past, it seemed like people were more understanding of differing opinions and realized that while others may not believe the same things they do, they’re still not “bad” people…

But in today’s world, where cancel culture reigns supreme, if you disagree with someone, instead of having a debate on the topic, they try to get you fired or silence you in some way. They try to pressure you into speaking or acting like everyone else.

Your challenge is to stand up for what you believe in. Don’t take the easy way out and fall in line with the crowd. Be able to think things through on your own and articulate your reasoning. And if others disagree with you? Don’t try to silence them. Try to understand them. Once you understand their viewpoint, it will be easier to try to persuade them to your way of thinking (or for you to change your thinking with the new information you have). Sometimes others just need to be heard – and nobody can hear what the other person is saying in a shouting match.

Focus and effort

If anyone is an international example of success, Dwayne Johnson has to be in the conversation among the most relevant at this time. He has said, “Success at anything will always come down to this – focus and effort.”

After thinking about it, any amount of limited success that I’ve had has come as the result of those two things. And there is a positive correlation as well…The more focus and effort you put into something, the greater the results will be. You have to put in work for something to work. And you can’t do it inconsistently either. You have to focus on it, otherwise you are basically starting from scratch every time.

For example: Imagine working out once per week. You might get marginally healthier, but if your goal is to be as physically fit as possible, you’re not going to see the results you want. You have to go consistently, with a clear objective, and work hard towards achieving those goals.

Keep your eyes on the goal

“Obstacles are the things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal.” – E. Joseph Cossman

When you’re excited, motivated, and focused on your goals, it’s easy to not let anything get in your way. But when you stop focusing on your WHY and start looking at bad things that are happening TO you (instead of FOR you), it’s easy to become discouraged.

The best way to remain focused on a goal is to write it down and look at it/think about it daily. If it is constantly in front of you, it will be harder to focus on anything else.

The next thing you should do is change your mindset to that of a victor, not a victim. Things don’t always go your way – there will always be obstacles. That’s what happens in life. But if you think of yourself as the hero of your own story, overcoming obstacles will just be the next part of the story – plus, it makes it more interesting! Think of how boring Harry Potter would have been if he didn’t have to defeat Voldemort, think of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings without having to overcome Sauron, or of the Rebel Alliance (good guys) without trying to overthrow the Galactic Empire in Star Wars. Without the possibility of defeat, it makes movies/books/life less interesting.

Lastly, practice gratitude to reframe your outlook when obstacles inevitably arise. There are always people out there less fortunate than you. You are capable of coming back stronger after defeat, of getting up after you get knocked down, and for that, you should be grateful. Practice being grateful and nothing can keep you down for long.