Tag: relationships

Receiving feedback

Hearing feedback can be really tough. Oftentimes, it can take us by surprise and we get defensive about it. But we need feedback to grow. Usually, there is at least a kernel of truth in what the other person is telling us. Instead of automatically justifying why you did/said what you did, just listen. Refrain from responding until the person is done talking. But don’t do one of those, “mhmm…ok…” almost like a “hurry-up and get it over with” verbal prodding. Stay open (watch out for negative body language). Then, after the sting of hearing what you need to hear, repeat back to them (or rephrase what you heard). If you and that person are on the same page, that’s probably a good thing. Finally, take their feedback and use it to make you a better person. Even if you don’t fully agree with what they’ve said, try to make small tweaks or improvements. None of us are perfect, so we at least know that we can slightly improve.

Brene Brown’s 3 key phrases to remember when receiving feedback…

⁃ “I’m brave enough to listen.”

⁃ “There’s something valuable here. Take what works and leave the rest.”

⁃ “Feedback is the path to mastery.”

Speak up for things you care about, but let the rest go

Don’t get pulled into arguments or debates over things that don’t matter to you. Be prepared to lose some battles by biting your tongue when needed or by compromising on things you don’t feel strongly about so that you can “win” the things you do care about. If you nitpick every little thing, always trying to win every argument, your words will carry less weight when you actually need to “win” an argument about something you care deeply about.

If it doesn’t matter to you, or if you don’t have a strong opinion about something, don’t get worked up and bent out of shape when discussing it. Ask yourself how whatever it is you’re talking about actually affects you and your loved ones. If it doesn’t have any major repercussions, let the other person do what they want without you trying to force your advice on them.

On growing (and maintaining) relationships

You can avoid growing apart by focusing on growing together. This goes for any relationship – with your spouse, your kids, your parents, siblings, or friends. If you don’t do things with them, you will eventually lose touch. If you don’t keep in contact with them and reach out occasionally, you will be an afterthought to their current life. It’s not because you or the other person don’t like each other anymore, but growing and keeping a relationship strong takes work. If you don’t work at it, it will weaken over time.

On care

People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” – Theodore Roosevelt

You can be very knowledgeable and “have the answers” that others are looking for, but until they know how much you care – how passionate you are about that topic, how interested you are in their well-being, how much you understand what it means to them – that’s when you win them over.

Just like in most things in life, it’s not about you. People’s first thoughts tend to default to thoughts about themselves. You can say it’s selfish, but it’s true. That’s why people tell you to be interested in others, to listen twice as much as you talk, to ask questions about them, to use the other person’s name in conversation…they want to know (or at least think) you care about them. If they believe that, you will earn their trust and then they will be more receptive to your “knowledge.”

Influence vs control

You can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. Or, if you do get them to do it and they didn’t want to do it in the first place (if they didn’t think they needed to do it/didn’t see value in doing it), they won’t benefit from it the way you think they will. If they are not open to it and they’re not mentally ready to make the change, you’ll both end up wasting time and getting frustrated with each other.

We can influence another person’s actions, but we can’t control their actions. Despite the fact that we may truly believe it will help that person, they have to be the ones who want to do the activity, to make the change, and to benefit from the action. If they don’t want it, it won’t work.

Try to appeal to their emotions first. Why should they want to do what you’re asking them to do? What are the benefits to them? What’s most important to them and how will it improve that? Once you’ve got their attention and they have bought in, then you can reason with them logically. Don’t forget this part (logic) either. Emotions come and go. Logic will stick with them and help them understand why it’s important, but logic does not create the “want” of doing the action.