Tag: relationships

Listen to understand

Do not listen with the intent to reply, but with the intent to understand.

Everyone would benefit from having better listening skills. The main part of listening that I think we sometimes forget is that we should be listening to actually understand the other person’s point of view. How are they feeling? What are they trying to convey? Why do they feel that way?

If you are curious, and you’re not afraid to ask questions, you’ll naturally begin to ask them more questions to gain a better understanding of why they’re talking. This takes patience. Sometimes others don’t know why they’re talking. Other times they want to feel important. Try to understand where they’re coming from, and be ok not having “the answer” or saying something profound every time you speak. Instead, keep asking better questions.

If you ask better questions, you’ll get better answers. And not only that, but the other person will feel like you genuinely care (which you should) and that you actually understand them (which a lot of people won’t). You’ll build new relationships quicker and you’ll strengthen your existing relationships.

Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Don’t go on your phone when they’re talking. Look at them in the eyes and give them your full attention. If you do that, they will feel listened to and you might actually learn or retain what they’ve said. Then, if you bring up something they said in the past (in a future conversation), they’ll feel even more heard, which will again strengthen your relationship with them.

A passage from The E-Myth

I was re-reading my notes the other day when I came across this passage from Michael Gerber’s The E-Myth. Here is what it said:

“What’s also missing is a sense of relationship.

People suffer in isolation from one another.

In a world without purpose, without meaningful values, what have we to share but our emptiness, the needy fragments of our superficial selves?

As a result, most of us scramble about hungrily seeking distraction, in music, in television, in people, in drugs.

And most of all we seek things.

…We’ve fast become a world of things. And most people are being buried in the profusion.

What most people need, then, is a place of community that has purpose, order, and meaning.”

This got me thinking about where we are as a society today. Michael Gerber wrote this a long time ago, but it seems even more true now. We are in forced isolation with the coronavirus, we order food (whether it’s through grocery delivery or ordering meals) and material possessions (via Amazon) and they show up at our doorstep. There are more enticing shows on inexpensive streaming options. We can work from home. Our relationships and our ability to feel connected with our community is slowly weakening.

What I’m nervous to see is how we are affected long-term if we stay down this path. Yes, things are easier and more convenient than ever, but are we willing to trade convenience for things like relationships and community? We are already very self-absorbed. Will this lead us down a path to care even more about ourselves and less for others?

On drama

If drama follows you everywhere you go (like at work, with your friends, etc.), take a look in the mirror. Are you the common denominator? Are you contributing to the drama and stoking the fire?

If you want less drama around you, don’t tolerate it. If others are gossiping, you have the choice to walk away or to let them know you don’t want to be involved in whatever they’re talking about.

Five things to always work on for self-improvement

Things to always work on…

1) Do not get defensive. If someone is critical of you, listen to them. There is probably at least a grain of truth that you are blind to.

2) Do not make excuses. If something didn’t go your way or there was an accident, sincerely apologize. Don’t diminish your apology by then giving an excuse for why it wasn’t your fault. Some things will always be outside of your control, so focus only on what you can influence.

3) Eliminate can’t from your vocabulary. Sure, there are some things we literally can’t do (I can’t teleport, read minds, or fly). But, for the most part, when we say we “can’t” do something, it’s because we’re not willing to make the necessary sacrifices to do that thing. It’s more like we won’t do that or we haven’t prioritized that.

4) Be nicer. Treat others how they would like to be treated. Find ways to help others get what they want.

5) Do not avoid difficult situations/conversations. Life is full of tough decisions. The best way to live without regret is to have the courage to face your fears. Always act in alignment with your core values.

Listen to build better relationships

Listen with the same passion with which you want to be heard.

Everyone wants to be heard. You do. I do. We all do. When you’re talking and someone cuts you off mid-sentence, or pulls their phone out, do you like that feeling? Do you ever get the sense that someone’s response seemed almost canned, like it was kind of relevant, but not really, and that the person was just waiting for their turn to make a point? Now, admit it, have you ever done this to someone else?

Stop doing that.

As much as you want to be listened to when you’re talking, so does the person with whom you are talking! Make sure you stop trying to “multitask” and start paying attention to whoever you’re with. This will lead to better, stronger relationships with them and a feeling of connection that benefits you both.

If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.
“If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.” – Harriet Lerner