Tag: relationships

Giving out of love versus giving out of expectation

Don’t be a fake giver (giving only because you’re expecting to get something in return). You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you’re keeping score for a game which the other person doesn’t know you’re playing.

If you think to yourself, “I did a, b, and c for this person, so they should give me x, y, or z when I ask in the future,” you’re asking for disappointment. Hopefully that person help you out in whatever way they can because you’re a good friend and they’re a good friend, but expecting reciprocity (especially when you do something for them now, but want them to remember your actions far in the future) is going to lead to frustration from both people.

Be caring. Be nice. Find ways to help. But if you can’t do something, or if it stretches you too thin, don’t feel obligated to do so. It’s ok to say no – and you don’t have to give them a reason why either. If you want to explain to someone why you can’t do something for them, at least they’ll have a better understanding of why you can’t. But they’re not entitled to know (just like you’re not entitled to knowing why they might say no to you in the future).

Give without keeping score. It will save you frustration in the long run because the other person doesn’t know they’re part of an unspoken transaction (which only took place in your mind).

Remember what you’re working for

For the high achievers out there, remember what you’re working for. Some people refer to this as finding your “why.” Why are you working so hard? What is it that you really want?

Sure, you may like what you do, you may find enjoyment getting recognition or accolades from your employer, or you want to be seen as successful in the eyes of your peers/family members, but is that in alignment with what you actually want?

I’ve been working hard for a long time. I worked in high school, worked my way through college, and upon graduating I worked multiple jobs and many hours of overtime to pay off any student loans I had, pay off cars, a mortgage, etc. But after having kids, I had to re-prioritize my life goals. Did I still want to earn financial freedom? Absolutely. But I need to do it in a more sustainable way so I can see my family. Working 60-70 hour work weeks will help me earn income, but at what expense?

The questions I had to ask myself were:

1) What am I working so hard for? What is my new why? The answer to this, I think, is to create the best life possible for my family. That doesn’t necessarily mean to have or to make the most money though. Instead, I think it’s to raise respectful children with good work ethics who are happy with life…and me NOT being around just so I can earn more money or do something I’m “passionate” about is actually a very selfish thing to do.

2) Instead of racing the the financial freedom finish line, am I willing to maybe work a few more years to have a better quality of life (more free time to spend with my family, friends, and hobbies)? The answer to this is yes. What’s the point in rushing to retirement when you might lose your family (say, if you get divorced as a result of never spending time with your spouse), you lose your health (because you’re “too busy” to work out), lose your friends (because you never hang out with them anymore), and have no hobbies (are you just going to sit at home and watch tv all day)?? That life would be so unfulfilling to me.

So, as I conclude, I just want to say that everyone is different. We feel different things, have different goals, and are in different stages of life. Our life experiences are different. Our expectations are different. There is no right or wrong when it comes to why you’re working as hard as you are. But the key thing is to think about what you’re working for and adjust your time accordingly.

Prioritize relationships

Prioritize relationships.

Don’t let your pride or ego get in the way. What’s more important? Always being right? Or maintaining a healthy relationship?

When you are on your deathbed, what is your more likely regret? Tarnishing your relationship with others over something so small that you may or may not even remember? Make sure that you are focusing on what is really important in life.

Spreading joy to make yourself happier

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” – Mark Twain

Joy, happiness, and laughter are contagious! Even if you are not happy, trying to make others happy can help improve your mood as well.

If you’re moping around, you may get attention in the short-term. Nice people or people who care about you will ask how you’re doing and try to offer encouragement or advice. But if you’re constantly down in the dumps, eventually people will not want to hang around you as much because you’ll drag their mood down too.

Be happy. Try to make others feel good. The more you can genuinely make others laugh or be happy, the more they’ll want to do the same for you. And you get the positive benefit of doing something nice for others, which will increase your happiness.

Credit vs blame

Get over “blame” or “credit.” Don’t do things to look good in the eyes of others. Do what is right and be humble about it. Do not brag and do not throw others under the bus. But be gracious in accepting credit for what you have done and quick to point out the help you received along the way.