relationships | The Caleb Barney Collection

Keys to conversation

Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.

People will always want to talk about themselves, to boast about what they’ve done, to insert their opinion into the conversation. This is considered normal. But we should strive to be different. Different stands out. Different makes people notice, even if they’re not sure why.

Instead of talking about your accomplishments, lift others up. Instead of gossiping, speak only truths about situations and only say something about a person if you’ve already said it to them personally. Instead of complaining, be positive. See the glass half full – being realistic, but optimistic.

When others are talking, listen. Look them in the eyes. Ask interesting questions (showing your interest), add verbal and nonverbal cues to urge them to continue talking. Be excited and add to the conversation when it’s appropriate. Don’t interrupt them, or if you do, do it sparingly and only to show your excitement matches theirs.

Don’t dominate conversations. The other person/people should walk away not feeling like they were spoken down to or talked at, but like they had a genuine conversation and contributed to it.

Being the guide or going along for the ride

Understand when you’re supposed to be the guide/advisor and when you’re supposed to be someone going along for the ride.

If it’s the former, you need to take charge. Provide more input and make suggestions as the guide. You still don’t want to do everything for the other person (they want to be the hero of their own story), but with your help, they can get where they want to go.

If you’re just tagging along, read the situation and minimize your input. Here, the other person wants to be the primary decision-maker. Be there to support them and to listen to them, but don’t try to be the white knight and solve all of their problems. They want to feel listened to.

On conflict…

Don’t go seeking conflict and confrontation, but don’t be afraid of it either. Both extremes are not good. Have a back bone and stand up for what you believe in, but do it tactfully and respectfully as to keep the negotiation going. If you shut a conversation or idea down, you’re treating it as a win-lose situation. That may be necessary for some things (hostage negotiations, for example), but if you want to have a long, meaningful relationship with that person there needs to be some “give and take.” If you always win (or lose), eventually that other person won’t want to deal with you anymore.

Real life Inception

People are emotional, not rational. Appeal to their emotions first and then help to rationalize their decision. If you can get them to articulate how they feel about something, if you can get them to self actualize or self realize it, the idea will stick. If you tell them how to feel, they will know that the idea did not come from themselves and they will be more likely to dismiss it down the road. It’s just like the movie Inception – they have to feel like the idea originated from themselves.

Empathy as a starting point for negotiation

Listening shows empathy. When people feel listened to and understood, they are more likely to work with you. You can work in tandem towards a common goal (or at least a compromise) much easier if you start out by showing that you are listening to them.

When you truly listen to somebody and they can feel you are listening to them, it’s a sign of respect. That’s why you have to start out with empathy and active listening to obtain the best results in any negotiation or sales process. It’s important to use both empathy and active listening throughout any conversation, but especially at the start, because first impressions really do count for something. Don’t dig yourself into a hole before you really get started by disrespecting the other person/party.

You have to understand what it is that the other side wants. What is the issue they want solved in order to provide the best response. What is their pain point and how we can alleviate their pain?

If you go in with the same sales pitch every single time, it may work in certain situations, but your solution may be completely wrong for them in other situations. Listen, dig deeper, and empathize with what they are feeling to show respect and to get further in negotiations.

Go into every negotiation or sales pitch with one thing in mind: How can we make this a win-win situation so both sides leave happy, nobody leaves holding a grudge over the other side, and you don’t hurt yourself in future business with that person or their friends?