Tag: self-improvement

The Four Agreements

I was introduced to “The Four Agreements” by listening to the Joe Rogan Experience, where Joe has brought up the book several times on podcasts. The book was published in 1997, but really gained popularity after Oprah endorsed it on her show back in 2001.

The main idea of the book is that we operate in a way that everything we do is based on these four agreements we have with ourselves, with others, and with God. Depending on how we view these agreements, they can be a source of great joy or of great suffering. Ultimately, it is up to us to choose. We may stray from the path occasionally, but it’s always important to get back on the right track because that’s the kind of person we are. Below is a brief summary of the four agreements we need to prioritize in order to live the best life we can.

1. Be impeccable with your word.

If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Otherwise you’re not only eroding others’ trust in you, but you’re eroding your trust in yourself. Eventually, your words will mean nothing if you fail to keep your promises.

2. Never take anything personally.

This works in two ways.

The first way is that if someone says something hurtful to you, it’s not necessarily a reflection of you, but rather it’s a reflection of the one criticizing you. They may be operating out of a place of fear, jealously, anger, inadequacy, etc. Don’t take their potentially hurtful words to heart, because they don’t mean anything. The other person is trying to wound you or to get under your skin. If you allow them to do this, you’re giving them power over you by “making” you feel a certain way.

But the other way this statement works is that the criticism of you might be true. Open your mind to see if there is a grain of truth in what the other person is saying and work to improve your weaknesses. Don’t shut down when receiving feedback, but use it to strengthen yourself.

In today’s society, it’s easy to get caught up in virtue-signaling, in being easily offended, or in trying to be more of a victim than the next person. Choose not to be offended. Choose not to let someone dictate your mood or to influence your self-worth in a negative way.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

Have you ever assumed someone said something, but it was because they didn’t like you or had some other meaning behind their words? Have you assumed their intent? This happens to me with text messages all the time. It’s always best to communicate in person, where you can hear the inflection and tone of their voice, see their facial features, read their body language, and understand the circumstances better. But through text, so much of that is lost. When you are unclear about someone’s words or actions, ask them about it. Dig deeper. But give them space or time, if needed. They may have said something because they were hangry, because the kids were acting up and they were distracted or trying to answer you quickly, maybe they were distracted. We don’t know what is happening around them or within them at any given moment, especially if we’re not physically with them. Don’t make assumptions (and, going back to the second agreement, don’t take it personally).

4. Always do your best.

You won’t always be the winner. You’re not always going to be the best at what you’re trying to do. But you can always try your best with the skills you currently have. If you always do your best, you can move forward without having regrets. But if you do less than you know you’re capable of, you’ll be more likely to wonder “what if” and to think of the possibilities of what could have been.

Courage

Have the courage to fail.

Have the courage to be rejected.

Have the courage to think outside of the box.

Courage is the mother virtue. All other virtues depend on you being courageous enough to take action when it is difficult. When you encounter fear, do you have the courage to face it? If your other virtues are put to the test, they won’t stand up unless you have enough courage to do so. Are you willing to tell the whole truth even when it might get you in trouble? Are you willing to show compassion to those who are looked down on in life? Can you keep your integrity and speak up for things on which you vehemently disagree, even in a room in which you’re the only one who feels that way? Those all require courage to be present.

Slow down when reading

“To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting.” – Edmund Burke

I used to do exactly this. In my conquest for self-improvement, I tried to consume as much information as quickly as possible. Podcasts and audiobooks on 1.5x speed, trying to read as many physical books as I could within a given time period, watching YouTube videos relevant to my field of study, etc.

But what I unintentionally missed was that, if I didn’t slow down and contemplate on what I just read, I didn’t dig deep enough to truly understand the whole idea. I understood basic concepts and surface level ideas, but couldn’t clearly articulate them. If you want to master something, you have to know it inside and out. And if you’re only going for volume/high quantity, you’re missing out on the true knowledge (quality). Dig deeper to understand more. Question what you read, don’t take it at face value. Play devil’s advocate. What would someone who supports that idea say? What would someone who disagrees with that idea say? What evidence is there to verify this idea and was that evidence cherry-picked or is it an accurate reflection of the truth?

The point here is to not rush to check another book off of your reading list. Slow down. If you’re reading to learn, then do it right the first time. Take your time, read, reflect, question, answer, discuss, and continue reading.

Love, respect, and forgiveness

Remember to treat yourself and others with love, respect, and forgiveness every single day.

When you start with love, you will always want the best for yourself and for others. You’ll try to help them as much as you can. But help doesn’t mean giving them handouts and spoon feeding them. There needs to be a healthy balance between short-term help and long-term help. Always “helping” someone get what they want, for example, may not be helping them in the long run. Making sure nobody ever feels struggle is not helping them. It’s weakening them, giving them less ability to overcome adversity, and giving them less resolve. The best help is by teaching them how to get what they want, not having you go out and getting them whatever they want.

Next, you need to treat yourself and others with respect. The moment you start disrespecting others is the moment that you begin to lose credibility for yourself. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Don’t talk down to others, don’t berate them, but also don’t treat them with pity. If you see someone who needs your help, try to walk alongside them. You may think that the other person can’t do anything for you, but you never know how your actions can affect them, where they’ll end up, or what connections they might have as well. Don’t forget you must also respect yourself. That means setting boundaries with people or saying no sometimes. You need to respect yourself enough to not let yourself be walked all over by others.

Lastly, you need to practice forgiveness with yourself and others. You don’t have to forget how you made a mistake or how others might have wronged you. But you should forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes, yourself included. Try to learn from them and move on. Make sure you don’t hold grudges or else you will live a long, miserable life.

Being curious leads to better results

Ask more questions, but ask better questions too. You already know what you think you know. Your goal should be to understand what other people know (or think they know). What can you learn from them? But don’t pester them with annoying questions.

Be curious. The more curious you are, the faster you’ll learn and grow as a person. And, hey, some additional perks are you’ll probably have some great conversations and grow stronger friendships too.