talking | The Caleb Barney Collection

Phrases to cut out of your life

1) “You always/you never”…Usually, when we use this phrase, we’re blaming someone for something. You always do this thing wrong. You never do this thing right…when in reality, that’s just not true. They may do something that irritates you, but you need to do a better job of explaining to them why it upsets you. If they don’t change (and even if they do, they’ll still likely forget from time to time), do your best to let it go. You’ve said your piece. You can’t force someone to do something.

2) “Why do you/why are you”…I’m only referring to using this in an accusatory tone of voice. “Why are you ___?” instantly puts whomever you’re questioning in a defensive position (much like the “you always/never phrase above). Instead, try to ask them how they’re feeling, if anything is wrong, what their thought process was that caused them to feel/act that way, etc.

3) “I have to”…You technically don’t have to do anything. You get to do that thing. Work on being more grateful for the opportunity to do it. You get to go to work today – to earn a living, to accomplish a task, to pay for food/water/shelter, etc. Change your attitude.

4) “I can’t”…Your mind is a powerful thing. If you constantly tell yourself you can’t do something, you’ll believe it. Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.” So while you may be unable to do something right now, that doesn’t mean you won’t always be able to not do it. Instead of saying “I can’t,” ask yourself “how can I?”

5) “That’s impossible”…See the paragraph above for “I can’t.” There are some things that don’t seem possible, but if someone else has achieved it, you already know that it is possible. Plus, how many times has the human race done something that most people thought was impossible (like sailing around the world, flying in an airplane, going to space, etc)?

6) “You make me”…Once again, this is a very accusatory statement and will likely escalate the argument rather than diffuse it. But you should also remember that you have to take responsibility for how you feel. If someone “makes you mad,” do you not have any control over your own emotions? If not, you can be easily manipulated by anyone who knows how to push your buttons. Change your attitude/perspective.

Free flowing conversations to build trust and establish rapport

Sales scripts don’t work because they are too structured, and the customer does not feel listened to. It’s best to let a natural conversation flow while still getting the information you need from the customer, rather than sounding robotic and reading off a list of questions or looking at a scripted “conversation.”

You should have certain questions you want answered so you can determine how to best help the customer, if you’re a good fit for them (and if they’re a good fit for you), etc. But really, you should be listening and responding authentically to establish the best rapport with the customer.

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

When you’re negotiating, try to work cooperatively with the other side which will often lead to the best “win-win” outcomes. The opposite can be said when trying to negotiate competitively with the other side, where there is usually a winner and a loser. Sure, you may win that time, but who will want to keep working with you if they keep walking away with a sour taste in their mouth?

Having the “power” or perceived ability to get things done if things don’t work out exactly as planned will also help with the negotiation. What this means will change in different situations…sometimes it will mean that you can get what you want done by force or persuasion, other times it will mean that you will work to get the best possible outcome for both parties. Either way, you should be able to follow through with any promises you make and people should feel confident that you’ll do what you say.

Lastly, don’t constantly “blab” or else people will tune you out (almost like Charlie Brown’s teacher). Your words carry less weight the more you talk and your reputation will get dinged every time you don’t follow through with your words.

Listen to build better relationships

Listen with the same passion with which you want to be heard.

Everyone wants to be heard. You do. I do. We all do. When you’re talking and someone cuts you off mid-sentence, or pulls their phone out, do you like that feeling? Do you ever get the sense that someone’s response seemed almost canned, like it was kind of relevant, but not really, and that the person was just waiting for their turn to make a point? Now, admit it, have you ever done this to someone else?

Stop doing that.

As much as you want to be listened to when you’re talking, so does the person with whom you are talking! Make sure you stop trying to “multitask” and start paying attention to whoever you’re with. This will lead to better, stronger relationships with them and a feeling of connection that benefits you both.

“If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.” – Harriet Lerner

Be judicious with your words

You can always say something that you haven’t said. But you can never undo or unsay something that you have already said.

Be careful with your words. Be thoughtful, kind, and uplifting. It may feel good to say what’s on your mind, but it could be potentially damaging to your long-term relationships. Learn to bite your tongue and tactfully say what you need to say, when you need to say it.

This is not to say you can’t thoughtfully critique anyone (especially those you care for). If you don’t speak up, how can they make a change? But don’t say something in the heat of the moment, or else you may regret how it comes out – and what is said cannot be unsaid.