1. Say “and,” not “but.”
When you say “and” after listening to someone, or “yes, and…” you are adding to the other person’s idea. You are contributing to their idea(s), not tearing them down. This aligns you with them, making them feel as if you are on their team.
When you say “but” after listening to them, you are about to contradict their idea. You are positioning yourself as their adversary. When you say “but,” they are more likely to get defensive about their idea(s), clinging to them more as if somehow their ideas are tied to their identity.
Try working with the other person. If they truly have an idea that you feel strongly will not work and you have time on your side (ie., it’s not a pressing matter), be tactful in letting them come to the realization that their idea won’t work. Don’t just come out and tell them as soon as they say it. If you do that, they won’t feel listened to. They will feel like you shut down their idea before actually giving it a chance. And if you do this often enough, they will stop coming to you with new ideas because they feel that you fill just shut them down anyways.
If you get the other person to understand and verbalize why their idea won’t work, they are more likely to accept it. Then make sure to thank them for bringing that idea to the table. Encourage them, and they will continue working hard with you.
2. Ask open-ended questions such as who, what, where, when, and how. Limit your use of “why.”
Even though “why” is an open-ended question, it can come off as questioning somebody’s motives. For example, if you ask a person, “why are you wearing that sweater?,” it makes them justify to you why they decided to wear that sweater today. It can make them defensive, which breeds hostility, and can potentially shut down the conversation. If you want to know the reason behind their decisions, use a statement such as, “Help me understand what made you choose to wear that sweater today.” You can even use a softening statement prior to that so they know you’re not coming from a place of negativity. “That sweater looks nice. What made you decide to wear that today?” And if they are still confused by your question/statement, you can follow it up with a menu of options (“was it the color, the texture, or does it hold sentimental value to you?”). Most people will either select one of your choices or come up with their own reason.
3. Avoid extremes like always or never. If you say to a person, “you always do x” or “you never do y,” it comes off as a personal attack on them. How do you think they will feel when you use those words? Using extremes will only make the situation worse. Try to avoid using them.
4. Feel, don’t think.
If you say to a person that their actions make you feel a certain way, they are more likely to be empathetic towards you. If you say that you think something about their actions, it leaves it up for debate as to whether they should have done something differently. They can’t argue with how you feel, but they can argue against what you think.
5. Don’t say “I deserve.”
It’s not only bad for you, but it can make others think less about you as well. Having an “I deserve” attitude is having an entitled attitude. If you’re using this in a debate/argument for why you should get something, realize that it is a really weak argument on your part and will not likely persuade the other party to give in to your wants.